Resolutions

Normally I am not one to make resolutions, or bother with this "new year, new me" shit. I once made a resolution to stop swearing...within a few minutes several versions of the word "fuck" had escaped my mouth and from then on I never bothered.

This year, I am giving in. 

I am making a resolution. Or two. OK, three. 

I hope you are rolling your eyes at me as hard as I am right now.

My resolution, as I admitted, is three-pronged.

First, physicality. 

It is highly obvious that I am marginally overweight, despite my doctor telling me otherwise. I have an amazing holiday coming up that I would rather not look like a slightly melted marshmallow stuffed inside a pair of shorts for. So, I am pledging to you that I am going to lose weight. How much? I would like to lose around two and a half stone by December next year. I would like to have lost at least one and a half stone by the end of July, just before I go on holiday. This time I won't do it for six months, lose a stone, get bored then pile it all back on plus extra. I am going to enjoy my last few days of eating all the shit leftover from Christmas whilst I can!

How am I going to do it? Well, conveniently, in order to save for my holiday, pay my bills and survive, I will be living on £12 a week from 1st January. This means I can't necessarily buy all the shit I would usually snack on, or treat myself to the odd take out. I will be buying the same basic ingredients every single week until August - partly out of choice, mostly because I have to. I will also be using my dogs as an exercise tool, making the most out of the walks we go on. I am poor enough that I can't afford the gym, so I will be doing a home workout of some sorts every night after walking the dogs. This means a lot of planning, which I have started to do now so watch this space!

Second, mentality.

I have made no secret on here of my mental health struggles over the last few months. I have already started attempting to work on these, but it is going to be a long uphill battle to the finish line. So, I am pledging to you that I promise to do more of what makes me happy, and less of what doesn't. I am going to try and spend more time working on writing both my blog and my book which has been a great tool to channel my thoughts in to. 

I will try to stop taking on too much when I know I can't handle it; I will do the mental exercises that I have been set; I will try to stop getting stressed about the unknown; I will spend more time working on me. I have slowly learned to accept help when I know I need it, so I am going to continue working with that help to get myself back on the right track.

Third, eventuality.

I am a planner. A serious one at that. When I can't plan for something, or the plan doesn't come through it gives me anxiety. It makes me feel uneasy, on edge and unable to function properly. This is what I am dealing with at the moment. Essentially, this works happily, or not so, alongside mentality. My family have always joked that I am too much of a planner and I need to plan everything; I am a sucker for a list and I plan things down to the last second. In a situation like I am in now where it is impossible to plan for anything apart from tomorrow, I am pretty much useless. It would appear that this could be the main cause of my mental health issues at the moment, which hopefully will improve shortly. I need to get past this hurdle in my life. I am at a crossroads and I have no fucking clue where to go with it. I need to sell my house, but the market is slow. I need to save money, but I am paying stupid money a month on my house. I need to find a new house, but I can't do that until I sell this one. It is an endless cycle and even now typing this, I am feeling uneasy about everything. 

So, how does this fit in with resolutions? I need to plan slowly for any eventuality; keeping my options open but being prepared for anything that may come my way. I am being organised and trying to get my ducks in a row and I am sincerely hoping that I am going to be able to type this post bloody happier next year. 

2019 cannot come soon enough, I am so fucking done with this year! I am currently planning (shock) how to go about all of the above and look forward to sharing and whining with and at you next year. 

I still say resolutions are a pile of shit, but here we go! 

Reintroductions

Do you ever sit and wonder what you are doing with your life? Well that is me. Every. Single. Day. Ever since starting this blog over five years ago I wonder what the fuck I am doing. Not in a "I can't do this anymore" way (not all the time...) but more in an existential crisis after existential crisis way.

Well, I’m having one of those right now. Again. It’s been a while, my last one being at the end of my degree through sheer panic of not having a job, let alone not having a job using my degree. I am sure if you have been reading this for a while, you might remember that existential crisis. We will try to not talk about that, can we just pretend like it never happened?

I have a job now that I’ve been in for over 3 years. But now I’ve come to a crossroads in life that I’ve never been in before. I’ve got little to no ties to where I am and what I’m doing and I’m desperate to do something new. 

Would I drop everything and ship myself and my dogs out to Orlando? Without a doubt. Shock. 

Do I feel like I’ve wasted my £50,000 piece of paper (whose location is currently unknown) that says I have a 2:1 in Criminology and Criminal Justice Studies? Massively. 

Am I questioning all my life choices and wondering what the meaning of life is? Every day. 

Do I hate everything that I currently stand for and the mess I’m left to clear up? We’ve already covered that. 

So, what to do next? I imagine a good start would be to start providing answers and not asking a fuck ton of questions. Time to make some changes. Time to spontaneously burst into song that will change everything and my Prince Charming will come riding into the scene on horseback with the wind perfectly blowing his hair. I watch a lot of Disney movies. 

For the record, I don't need "saving" but who wouldn't want some weirdly hot prince to bolt out of nowhere, sing some random shit and be like "hey, marry me?". I'm looking at you, Prince Eric. There's an insight into my weird mind you didn't ask for. 

What’s the aim of this? I’m as unsure as you are. I’ve been doing this on and off for five years and for some reason over 60,000 of you have carried on reading. We’ve had some ups and we’ve had some massive downs. Now I want to break out into Jungle Cruise skipper puns and I imagine only a handful of you would get that reference. I want to say I’m normal but that would be lying. And I must not tell lies. Sorry. 

I’ve been through my fair share of shit. Someone somewhere has been sprinkling bad luck over people infrequently and then came to me and thought “fuck it” and dumped the whole bloody bucket on my head. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of people have it worse and I know that but let me wallow in my self pity for a while. It makes me feel better. 

I’ve recently concluded that I’m like a slightly more modern day, slightly fatter Bridget Jones. Just without a Mark Darcy. Or anyone else pining for me. Unless you count my dogs when I go to work. But that’d be weird so don’t do that. 

This blog was always intended to be a real reflection of me. A true insight into the fuck ups and happier parts of my life. So that’s what it’s going to be. Yes, my content will be less family friendly, but then what person under the age of 14 is interested in reading the ramblings of a 25 year old nobody? 

People tell me I should take up YouTube. Well, let me tell you, I have a face for radio. Besides, I have the personality of a spoon and no one would want to watch me so you’re going to have to stick to that old fashioned habit of reading. 

So, let me reintroduce myself. 

Hello! I’m Danielle.

I am a 25 year old wannabe writer with little to no time to write, preferring (not really) to spend my time putting all my energy into my office job like almost everyone else in the world. I like Disney, Harry Potter and spending a shit ton of time watching films on a big screen in the dark on my own. Yes, I’m that person who goes to the cinema on their own. I love it - I don’t have to share my food or drink. Shout out to Cineworld for having Unlimited cards! Mine keeps me sane. 

I was engaged, now I’m not, and I have an incredible amount of strong opinions on cheating. I will make them known. And I’m not sorry. I currently have no interest in dating unless a guy comes along who could be “The One” not that he or it exists. I’m a firm believer that I need to learn to love me before I learn to love someone else again. I don’t like it when people tell me what to do with my life and I’m stubborn as fuck with an answer for everything. My mum is probably reading this thinking "I have been fucking telling you that for 25 years!"

I overindulge in anything to do with my dogs. I love them more than life. Yes, I am a crazy dog lady. Yes, they have their own Instagram. Yes, I am going to shamelessly plug it here.

I’m a not-so-secret fatty with a huge cheese (food) addiction that I need to sort out. Next year I am going on a multi-city American trip that I need to be at least 2 stone lighter for. What a mission. So I am sure I will post many a rant about how much I need to nibble on a block of cheese or eat my weight in salt and vinegar sticks throughout the first half of next year. 

I have champagne taste on a lemonade budget. In almost every aspect of my life. I like to have a nice phone, a nice car and expensive makeup. I'm not all that fussed about clothes - I am a huge Primark fan, don't judge. I hate shopping. I am also a terrible, terrible girl. Stereotypes and all that. 

I like to write. I can probably write about almost anything if I had to. I am currently in the early stages of trying to write a novel. I also suffer from Writer's Block...it's a real issue sometimes and probably the most frustrating part of my life at the moment. 

I have a real personality flaw of always wanting to do the next thing. I wanted to walk before I could crawl. Some people see this as drive, some people see this as never being content with what I have. I would say I am a happy medium. I am extremely driven and once I set my mind to something, it is happening. However, I am pretty much never happy with something and trying to improve on it in some way. Take from that what you will. 

I am not a touchy-feely person. Don't randomly hug me, it'll freak me out. I'm like those lizards in a pet store with the sign "don't bang on the glass, it startles the animals". That's me. I don't deal with emotions well, whether that be mine or someone else's. If you are crying and upset about something, 9 times out of 10 I am the wrong person to come to. However, I will furiously protect those close to me. I am not someone you want to piss off. 

I have this weird complex about wanting to please everyone. I am never happy until someone tells me they're proud of me, or I can see my successes. I always want to be better than I am. I'd say this is the biggest stress of my life and I put it on myself...I have some serious issues sometimes.

Generally, I am a flawed person. But who isn't? I used to be one of those people who won't admit there is something wrong or that they aren't perfect. Now, I am fully aware I am a failure in my life at certain things - I have been cheated on more times than I care to share, I am slightly too overweight even if my doctor doesn't think so, I am pretty shit at taking criticism. But, I wouldn't be me if I was perfect. And that's OK. I say this as I rock backwards and forwards feeling sorry for myself and wishing I looked like a Victoria's Secret Model. 

So, that's me - warts and all. I hate that saying. Gross. 

Over and out! Ergh, why am I not cool? 

All I can hear right now in my head is my dad telling me to stop saying "fuck". This one's for you dad! He's going to bollock me if he ever reads this. 

A Life Update: 6 Months On

It has been a while since I have done a life update. 

A year ago this week I completed on my new house. At the time, I was somewhat happily engaged and getting excited about making a house into a home. 

Fast forward one year, that house is on the market, you know the story about the relationship, I have two great dogs and I am looking towards to the next chapter.

Has that been smooth sailing? Far from it. 

That original transition from being in a relationship that I thought was it to being on my own in a massive house was difficult. I will be the first to say that I still find things difficult. I find it hard that I am so far away from the majority of my family who are all usually quite busy; I often feel isolated and lonely. I struggle on a daily basis with my mental health. Financially, things are hard. I am paying for the majority of my house on my own - my outgoings are not far off my whole salary. My ex pays for half the mortgage and council tax, but refuses to pay for anything else. Then he tells me he has no money and that this whole situation is my fault. I am not the one who cheated. 

But at the same time, I feel free. 

I can buy Christmas decorations that I want without someone controlling what the house looks like. I can wear Disney clothes if I want without someone telling me I can't leave the house with them on. I can sit and eat what I want without someone calling me fat. I can put a Mickey Mouse spoon holder in the kitchen because someone else hasn't put me down for wanting Disney in the house. I can let the dogs in the living room because someone isn't demanding that they are kept in the kitchen. I can come in from work and sit down for a little while because someone isn't sitting on their ass expecting dinner to be made as soon as I come in. I can relax on a Saturday because someone isn't refusing to do any housework. I can plan my weekends how I want because someone isn't demanding we do everything with their family and not mine. I can say no when my mental health isn't great because someone else isn't causing the problems. I have control over my own life because someone else hasn't. 

I look back over the last six months of being on my own and I see how far I have come. I have gotten over what happened and I have gotten over my ex. Yes, I still resent that he put me in this situation and blames me, telling me this is all my fault so I have no one else to blame. Yet, he had an easy life; never had to lift a finger, got his way on almost everything. His family were fantastic to me during the time we were together and we got on very well. They will, of course, support their family member, despite what he did and what he caused, and I am very aware and accepting of that. 

I have recently removed his family from my Facebook page, despite a few people telling me I should keep them. I decided that to move on, this was something I needed to do for me. I am not living my life for someone else anymore, I am living it for me. 

I have had people ask me if I am dating at the moment. The answer is no. I did try for a while but I have decided to take some time for myself and to learn to be on my own. I also would not want to bring someone else into this mess. It wouldn't be fair to them or to me. 

I have lived on my own in this house now longer than I lived with my ex. Living on your own is very liberating. I have never seen it as something daunting as a lot of people do. I have my own space, with my own belongings how I want them. You learn to enjoy your own company and the smaller things in life. I love sitting on my sofa, lighting my candles and having a snuggle with my boys. 

I am looking forward now to getting rid of the house. It will be a long journey, as it has been so far. The house has been on the market for six months and has recently been taken off, to be put back on in January. I am hoping to have it sold before summer next year so I can be in a new house for my holiday next year. I am really looking forward to not having to have any ties to him or his family so I can move on to this next chapter in my life. 

So for anyone in this, or a similar, situation. Keep treading water because one day you will float. 

I have a lot to look forward to over the next year, so hopefully my next life update will be a happier one! 

From To-Be-Wed To One In Bed

Just three months ago I was happily engaged, planning a wedding and loving life as a fiancee, homeowner and puppy mum. 

Now I am single, living alone, struggling with money but ultimately still a puppy mum. Silver linings and all that. 

Essentially, things went tits up. But I am past the stage of wanting to scream and cry in a corner. I have come to peace with what has happened; I no longer hate my ex, although I definitely don't want to remain friends just due to what actually did happen. I don't hide what happened, but I also don't actively avoid discussing it. If people want to know, I tell them. If people don't ask, I don't say. If he were to walk past me, I would say hello, even if he wouldn't. I am now at that stage where I am looking forward to this chapter closing. I am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me. 

The last few months have been eye opening and have given me a chance to reflect on my lifestyle, choices in life and look at who I want to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the security I had. My life plan was well on track and now I have given up on the idea of ever getting married and having kids. My two dogs, who I will introduce in a later post, have been life savers. I am a planner, and having someone else stir up my plans without any prior warning to me has been hard to deal with.

I will be frank. I sought help. For the first time in my life, I knew when I wasn't mentally well and I actively went looking for help. To me, that was a big thing. I knew that I wasn't doing too good; I was feeling extremely down, constantly on edge, stressed beyond words and I didn't eat a proper meal for a month. There was a point where I did think I couldn't do this anymore. So, I went to my doctor. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first I wasn't too sure, but accepting help when I needed it has worked wonders. 

When people said to me three months ago that time is a healer, I didn't believe them. I spent most my time alone in my house, curled up on the sofa crying. Now, although I still enjoy my alone time, I see friends, go out shopping, or visit family. I have a perfect balance between sitting on the sofa, puppy either side, watching Love Island and drinking a cup of tea and surrounding myself with family, having a drink and watching the World Cup. 

The down side? My fuel consumption has doubled (sorry, environment) just due to how much I am getting about now. 

I am having those realisations of all the things I can do, places I can go and things I can buy that were off the table. 

I can go to Japan! I can decorate my house how I want. I can buy that Christmas bedding. 

What is next for me?

I have a ton of plans. I have plans with girls from work to go away at Christmas, to get drunk in London and take horrendous pictures. I am going away in August to Disney World. I am hoping to go away a couple of times next year. I am starting a new health routine in September after my holiday for both my physical and mental health. I am functioning on my own. 

So, for anyone out there in a similar situation to me a few months ago. Keep ploughing through. I could throw a ton of cliches at you and you will roll your eyes, but they are true.

Time is a healer.

Things get better.

Keep going. 

More importantly, learn to accept and move on without a second glance back. 

Welcome To The Real World

Ever feel like you have suddenly walked into a brick wall, bashed your head so hard that you have been dazed and taken a minute or so to gain your composure, and often your mind, back again? Well, this is me right now. But instead of a brick wall, I am running fast and strong into that massive wall that is life. 

I have recently been watching Jane the Virgin (I recommend it, it is great!). Jane is prone to romanticising things; thinking the world is perfect; looking at things through rose-tinted glasses, putting her all into everything and everyone. I was wondering why I was getting into this show so quickly considering I am not a big TV person.

Then it hit me (common theme here). That is me. I romanticise things.

I spent so long focussing on the positives, or in some circumstances, trying to find or forcing positives than I did acknowledging the negatives, or flaws. 

This stands for everything from my lifestyle, my previous relationship, my work life. Everything. 

I think my current "situation" - this makes it sound so ominous but I have no other way or referring to it - has made me realise that I need to take those rose-tinted glasses off, throw them away and put on my big girl specs. 

I long for that life where everything is perfect. I long to love and be loved. I want the life you see in a film. 

Well, let's face it. That is never going to happen. Sure, I will get parts of that. Or at least I hope I will. But there will be speed bumps, hurdles and brick walls. This is one of them. 

I have spent months feeling angry, bruised and lost. I too am one of those people who puts their all into everything. I put my all into the last 2 years; into my relationship, my house and my life. 

It didn't work out. 

So what?

Why should I feel misplaced, tossed aside and angry when I should feel empowered, strong and determined?

Those rose-tinted glasses are well and truly in the bin. My big girl specs are super glued to my head and will stay there. 

Time to move forward. 

To The Girl I Used To Be

Why, haven't you changed. 

Are you shorter? No, of course not. You are skinnier. I am jealous. I would like to lose some weight right now. But it will happen when I want it to and that's OK.

So, things aren't too great right now. But, you are a lot stronger now than what you were. You have been through a lot and that probably won't change. You are thankful for the lessons you learned and the mistakes you made. 

You will most definitely not stop being ambitious. You did always want to do the next thing. Well, that hasn't stopped. I think it has actually gotten worse. You still want to walk before you can crawl. It's a good trait. It will get you places. 

Your self confidence has been knocked a bit. Based on previous experience of you now, that will come back. You are a tough cookie. 

You can't always be perfect. You are far from perfect. But you will learn to love the things you hate now. 

Let it out. Don't keep things in. Remember how you are right now? Not talking about things, acting strong, pretending you don't need help? Ask for help. It is going to take something big, like things have now, but you don't have to do everything alone. It's alright to say you are struggling. You will always struggle with something; whether that be your mental health, your confidence, your lifestyle balance. Just say.

Don't worry so much about what other people think of you. You can't make everyone love you, not matter how hard you try. You won't get on with everyone and that is OK. You will fall out with people, they will fall out with you. There are always going to be reasons for that. Accept them. Move on.

It's OK to be different. In any way. You go ahead and wear those Mickey Mouse shoes. Don't let anyone, especially a man, tell you that you can't.

Keep pushing and don't give up. I can tell you that giving up will get you nowhere. Whether that is in your work, school, university, friendships or relationships. You keep pushing for what you want. It will be worth it. 

You are not fat. Sure, you are a little chubby and probably overweight., but don't examine yourself in a mirror every five minutes. Don't cry silently in the changing room when a "normal" size doesn't fit you. It is just a number. 

You will make yourself proud. You will make your family proud. 

Forgive, but don't forget. Don't hold on to that grudge, it isn't worth it. Be Elsa and let it go. But don't forget that someone hurt you. You will value that later on. 

Finally, for the love of god, have fun! You will never be this young again, you will never have this much financial freedom, lack of responsibility or opportunity. Embrace it. Have a laugh. Do stupid things, you have time later on to be serious about everything. Enjoy your life whilst you have it because life is short. You have no idea when it might be taken away. 

15 Signs You're Growing Up

Traditionally you're viewed as an adult when you hit 18 years old (or 21 in the USA, sorry!). However, as an almost-22-year-old I would like to dispute this. 

It is only now that I am starting to feel like I can almost fend for myself...sort of. 

Although, parts of my brain are still under construction and development...the Disney aspect of my brain still holds a lot of control.

However, as of recently there have been small things I have begun to notice that show I am not really the youngster my brain seems to think I am. 

So, I have decided that there are about 15 signs that really show when you are getting out of that stage of your life, and gradually progressing on to becoming an adult. 



1. You make your own doctors appointments 

2. And go to them on your own

3. You find yourself turning down the music

4. New slang words go over your head

5. Muscles and joints you didn't know you have start to ache

6. Chart music is somewhat a mystery 

7. Phrases such as "when I was younger" are creeping into your everyday vocabulary 

8. Christmas has lost some of its magic

9. But socks are suddenly the best present 

10. Early nights are appealing

11. Because long nights out are too much effort

12. And nights in with Netflix are better anyway

13. You realise the big 3-0 isn't too far away

14. People are starting to ask you when you plan on settling down

15. But most of all, you wish you were 6 again. 


I think that pretty much sums up how I have felt over the last few weeks. It would appear that growing up and getting older is pretty freaking scary! 

So, tell me in the comments below when did you first realise you were growing up, or what are you least looking forward to?

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Productive Procrastination

Hello, my name is Danielle and I am a procrastinator. 

Phew, I am glad that's out the way!

A problem shared is a problem halved, the first step is admitting you have a problem...phrases of that nature and all that crap....yep.

Procrastination is both a problem and a hobby of mine. I find myself mindlessly procrastinating over the smallest of tasks, sometimes I procrastinate over making dinner. Awful, I know. 

I thought once I hit my final year of uni (yay!), that I would almost grow out of procrastinating, and that the sheer pressure of having to write a dissertation, whilst running a society, maintaining my obviously very fleeting social life, stopping myself becoming obese (whoops...), and managing to actually get enough sleep, would be enough to force me out of this professional procrastinator title I have given myself.

Did it hell.

Having said that, I find myself now productively procrastinating. 

Uh huh, that is actually a thing. I am actually going to insert Urban Dictionary below, just to feel a lot better about myself.

It would appear that I have been given as an example. I need help.

Instead of binge watching anime on Netflix (I am still a teeny bit guilty of this on the odd occasion when I give in to the temptation), I now find myself tidying, hoovering, actually making a proper meal, and the worst of all....making lists of the things I am procrastinating over. 

To-do lists are my life.

I treated (using this term loosely) myself to a whiteboard the other day, simply because I thought (echem, knew) it would help me keep in check with what I should be doing, where I should be going, and when I should be doing things.  

So far, so good. 

Ish.

I am still procrastinating...possibly less so productively considering I should probably be doing work right now instead of procrastinating by writing about procrastinating about procrastinating over the things I was originally procrastinating over.

Ow. Does your brain hurt, too? Sorry. 

The silver lining to my ever greying cloud? I am actually several thousands of words ahead of where I need to be. I have actually been told, nay ordered, to take a break and go home. 

Who'd have thought? Danielle the serial procrastinator being told off for doing too much work?

Miracles do happen!

So, please make me feel better about my life and tell me your procrastination stories in the comments below. I don't want to be alone!

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A letter to my future self

Dear me, myself, and I

There is no better time to write something that you will look back on in the future than when your head is full of thoughts of the year just gone. A new year is not a time for a new you, but a time for you to improve upon what you have become. 

So in the following points of advice, older and most likely wiser Chubs, I wonder whether you still live by these minor, yet vitally important snippets of things I have learned thus far in life.

I wonder what you're up to. 

Did you ever figure out what you wanted to do with your life, or are you still hopelessly blogging with a not-so-secret wish of being spotted? Most likely.

How long did it take you to move out? I bet it was absolutely nothing like you thought it would be.

Did you ever get that pug? I bloody hope so.

So, future me. These are a few things I hope you listened to and swear by. If not...see you in hell.

First of all, and one of the most important things I really hope you realised: you are not perfect, you never will be. And that is fine. Accept yourself for who you are, and if you're not happy try to change it. Your imperfections may just be perfections to someone else. Who knows?

Don't be afraid to admit when you might need help. Later on down the line, you will regret not asking for it sooner. Apply this to everything in your life and you will go much further than struggling on your own.

Crying doesn't make you weak. End of.

You are your own worst enemy. No one will ever see you in such as negative light as your reflection does to you. At least try to be  positive about yourself. Confidence is key.

You can change your weight, all it takes is a little motivation. But at the same time, some numbers on a scale don't define you.

Always take the stairs. See point above.

Embrace your own happiness. Do one thing every day that makes you happy, and that'll make you feel better.

A smile costs nothing. Smile at a stranger, smile at your boss, heck, smile at your dog.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you, and not everyone who likes you will you want to meet. This is a given, and you can't change it no matter how much you want to.

Keep that dream alive. Don't shun something because of money.

Talking of money, it isn't the be all and end all. But save it, spend it, do something spontaneous with it. Just like your weight, how much money you have doesn't define you.

Don't listen to anyone but yourself. If something feels right then go for it, deal with the consequences later.

Follow your heart, but don't ignore your head. Apply to everything, no excuses.

Don't be afraid to go outside your comfort zone. Those boundaries are set to be broken.

Being a nerd is most definitely not a bad thing. Embrace your intelligence and you will go far.

But at the same time, just because you aren't as good at one thing, it doesn't mean you're a failure. Learn from your mistakes, and try again.

Don't give up. On anything. Ever.

Keep your head high when you feel like sinking. 

Do something that you want to do, not something someone else wants you to do. And if someone says you can't do it, do it even better.

Learn to say "no".

But also learn to say "yes".

Don't be afraid of your own emotions. It's OK to feel like crap sometimes, and it's OK to not want to get out of bed.

Let your guard down, even if it is just for a few hours. 

Think before you do, and think before you speak.

And finally, always get enough sleep. You'll thank me for that later.


So, future me, what do you think? I think it's a pretty solid thing to live by, and by the sounds of it it's served you well.

Live is for living, so grab it by the horns!

Here's until next time.

Enjoy the cake, Chubs!

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Note to self | #1

Recently I have been feeling quite down about the way I look. I don't know why, and I don't know why it even started. I think it has been one of those things that has been building up for the last few years. 

I have decided to talk about it on my blog to see if I am the only one, or whether some of you guys reading this might be feeling the same way. I've turned it into a little series where I can just vent about what I am feeling, not sugar coated, just cold, hard truth.

The other day I found a picture of me about 6 years ago. I was slim, toned, and about a size 8. I am now the opposite of those things. I have a bulky stomach, several chins, and my thighs are huge. I joke that I am growing into my winter coat, when really all I want to do is tear away at my skin chunk by chunk and throw it away.

As much as I know this is all down to myself, I also contribute this to several bad break-ups, a lot of drinking, and really bad and unhealthy lifestyle choices. I know that weight is just a number, and I feel like such a hypocrite for posting this because of how I try to make other people feel positive about these sorts of things. But there is only so long you can really bottle things up for.

It has gotten to the stage where I can't even look in the mirror at myself above my shoulders (thank god for my strategically placed mirror), and I end up swamping my body in several layers of clothing. 

I don't feel good about myself. I think I look disgusting, there is nothing nice about the way I look that is natural. 

I take massive pride in my make-up and perfecting my hair. But this has become almost a mask for me to hide behind.

I can honestly say I haven't been happy with the way I look for about 5 years now. 

I have tried about 4 times to kick-start a diet, a new workout routine, or even to starve myself completely (yes, I am well aware this was an absolutely stupid idea).

I feel like I am in a dark place, and I am getting better at hiding it. My smile and jokes have just been a cover-up when all I have wanted to do is cry for hours every single day; I just can't seem to help it.

Since I stopped suppressing the way I felt about my body and sat down and carefully thought about it (even if that did result in tears), I have somehow put myself in a more positive mindset.

I have made a few smaller changes in my life, which are gradually leading to bigger ones. I stopped drinking; I reduced the amount of fast food I was eating; I reduced almost all sugar from my drinks; and I removed some of the small things that were making my feel bad about myself. Even if that included people. 

Tiny steps lead to bigger strides.

I am hoping in the next few months that I can kick myself up the ass and get back to working out, whether this be on my own, or with one of my friends. 

It has taken me a few years to get in the mental state where I feel ready to conquer the way I feel about myself, and get back to the happier, self-confident person I was back then.

I know it will take time, and luckily time is something I hope I have a lot of.

I am still not entirely sure whether I will post this or not. I usually try to refrain from making my posts too personal, and writing my honest feelings down was really hard. No doubt I will get some negative comments, but hey ho.

I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Maybe I could have an online work-out buddy to help with everything. Who knows?


Keep swimming.

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The point of exams?

Having sat through hundreds of exams in my lifetime, be that SATs, GCSE's, A Levels, University exams, pre-job tests, and general tests and exams throughout school, I have started to wonder what exactly the point of these exams are.

After watching THIS video, these thoughts just got even more structured.

What exactly is the main point of an exam? It’s not really a test of what you know, it’s more of what you remember. Ever had an argument and remembered a great comeback a few hours later? This is what an exam is like for me. No matter how hard I study, revise or force myself to attempt to remember things, I get a mental block spanning the length of my exam and end up more stressed than I was before I sat in my seat.

This sort of thing really hit me when it came to my GCSE Maths exams – although this was a good 5 or so years ago, this definitely still applies to exams today. I physically cannot do maths at all. As soon as I see a sum or equation, each separate number merges into one and I usually end up angry at myself or in tears. I managed to just scrape though my GCSE Maths with a C, and I still wasn't happy.

Although maths is a compulsory subject until the end of year 11 (16 years old) in the UK, surely there will be a massive change and gap between those who have minds more orientated towards numerical reasoning, to those with a more verbal and literal brain, such as myself.

On top of this, about 99% of things you learn for an exam have no application in the outside world. How many times have you had to use something you learned in maths in your school years? Yes, I get that some professions might actually use all of these things, but not everyone who goes through school will become an engineer.

Personally, I find literacy exams a bazillion times easier than anything with even a single number in. I can write for days about almost anything as long as I have a tiny bit of background information on it. Want me to write about the hidden meaning of a poem I have never read before? Sure, give me 10 minutes to read it. Want me to write about the history of a country I have never heard of before? Cool, just give me a few basic facts. Want me to fill a book with absolutely anything that comes into my head? Fantastic!

How can exams expect to test absolutely every individual who passes through the education system in a fair way? Like me, one person might be academically good at one sort of subject, and then be less than average on another.

This also applies to those who excel at art. Take my sister for example. She has an incredible eye for art, and can draw absolutely anything in a matter of hours. In fact, I am going to include some of her artwork below.

She claims, although I dispute this to a certain extent, that she struggles with slightly more academic subjects. This actually ended up stressing her out in her GCSE’s last year, because she excels at art, she didn't think she would do as well in her other subjects.

Although I understand that the introduction of subject choices in GCSE’s allow this to be slightly eliminated, and doesn't massively affect anyone until they can completely choose every subject for A Level exams, this doesn't stop the stress, pressure, and general being a pain in the ass of exams themselves.

Anyone who knows me will probably be reading this either shaking their heads, or feeling a bit confused as to why I am writing about exams because I “got good grades”, “passed my exams”, and “have nothing to complain about”, but that didn't come without a lot of hard work, stress, tears, and me being general all round hell.

Why should exams put so much pressure on one person whilst they’re still young when it’s very rare a job you apply for 10 years down the line won’t bother to ask for them, or only ask for a select few grades? Or when they become less of a fair exam and more of a memory test? Or when they don’t test you fairly based on which way your brain processes information.

There is so much pressure on kids these days to get good grades, to get good jobs.

The truth is that you don’t need a degree to do something you love, being good at something and enjoying every moment of it will make you richer than money ever could, and a good education doesn't make you better than someone who doesn't have that privilege.

The world is your oyster, so don't let a random letter next to a subject define you for the rest of your life. If you enjoy something, go and do it. 

The sky is the limit, and no one is going to stop you.

So, what do you think? Could exams be more individually orientated, do you think they’re fine as they are, or maybe you think that everything I have said is just a load of crap.

Keep swimming,

RefMe: The BEST free student referencing app

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Things students really think

1. Let me just set this alarm for my 9am lecture.

2. Ok, maybe multiple alarms.

3. Ergh, just 10 more minutes!

4. Oh...it's 8.30...back to bed.

5. Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

6. Is it socially acceptable to drink before midday?

7. It'll only be one drink though...

8. Right, maybe I need to do some work.

9. What's this "library" building I keep walking past?

10. As long as I get over 40% I'll be fine.

11. Fuck it, I'll take the 40%.

12. But I promise myself that I won't leave it until the night before again.

13. Shit. Hello, all nighter.

14. Ah, coffee. You old friend.

15. AND IT'S IN BEFORE MIDDAY!

16. CELEBRATORY DRINKS!

17. This was such a bad idea.

18. Can't afford to eat, can afford to drink!

19. But I'll only take a tenner out, and spend nothing else.

20. *dancing wildly drunk* Life is gooooooood!

21. * screaming at your best friend* I LOVE THIS SONG! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I LOVE EVERYTHING!

22. *drunkenly stumbles home and passes out*

23. I hate everything.

24. I am never drinking again.

25. Oh, balls. I had a 9am lecture....I'll go next time. 

26. Casual drinks?...Oh go on then. 


For anyone who has been to university, or who is there at the moment, I expect that this sort of rings a few bells. There is nothing better than waking up in the morning, admitting you are never drinking again, and then going out the following night. 

Get used to it, kids. That's uni life!



Keep swimming <3

RefMe: The BEST free student referencing app

 

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