Reintroductions

Do you ever sit and wonder what you are doing with your life? Well that is me. Every. Single. Day. Ever since starting this blog over five years ago I wonder what the fuck I am doing. Not in a "I can't do this anymore" way (not all the time...) but more in an existential crisis after existential crisis way.

Well, I’m having one of those right now. Again. It’s been a while, my last one being at the end of my degree through sheer panic of not having a job, let alone not having a job using my degree. I am sure if you have been reading this for a while, you might remember that existential crisis. We will try to not talk about that, can we just pretend like it never happened?

I have a job now that I’ve been in for over 3 years. But now I’ve come to a crossroads in life that I’ve never been in before. I’ve got little to no ties to where I am and what I’m doing and I’m desperate to do something new. 

Would I drop everything and ship myself and my dogs out to Orlando? Without a doubt. Shock. 

Do I feel like I’ve wasted my £50,000 piece of paper (whose location is currently unknown) that says I have a 2:1 in Criminology and Criminal Justice Studies? Massively. 

Am I questioning all my life choices and wondering what the meaning of life is? Every day. 

Do I hate everything that I currently stand for and the mess I’m left to clear up? We’ve already covered that. 

So, what to do next? I imagine a good start would be to start providing answers and not asking a fuck ton of questions. Time to make some changes. Time to spontaneously burst into song that will change everything and my Prince Charming will come riding into the scene on horseback with the wind perfectly blowing his hair. I watch a lot of Disney movies. 

For the record, I don't need "saving" but who wouldn't want some weirdly hot prince to bolt out of nowhere, sing some random shit and be like "hey, marry me?". I'm looking at you, Prince Eric. There's an insight into my weird mind you didn't ask for. 

What’s the aim of this? I’m as unsure as you are. I’ve been doing this on and off for five years and for some reason over 60,000 of you have carried on reading. We’ve had some ups and we’ve had some massive downs. Now I want to break out into Jungle Cruise skipper puns and I imagine only a handful of you would get that reference. I want to say I’m normal but that would be lying. And I must not tell lies. Sorry. 

I’ve been through my fair share of shit. Someone somewhere has been sprinkling bad luck over people infrequently and then came to me and thought “fuck it” and dumped the whole bloody bucket on my head. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of people have it worse and I know that but let me wallow in my self pity for a while. It makes me feel better. 

I’ve recently concluded that I’m like a slightly more modern day, slightly fatter Bridget Jones. Just without a Mark Darcy. Or anyone else pining for me. Unless you count my dogs when I go to work. But that’d be weird so don’t do that. 

This blog was always intended to be a real reflection of me. A true insight into the fuck ups and happier parts of my life. So that’s what it’s going to be. Yes, my content will be less family friendly, but then what person under the age of 14 is interested in reading the ramblings of a 25 year old nobody? 

People tell me I should take up YouTube. Well, let me tell you, I have a face for radio. Besides, I have the personality of a spoon and no one would want to watch me so you’re going to have to stick to that old fashioned habit of reading. 

So, let me reintroduce myself. 

Hello! I’m Danielle.

I am a 25 year old wannabe writer with little to no time to write, preferring (not really) to spend my time putting all my energy into my office job like almost everyone else in the world. I like Disney, Harry Potter and spending a shit ton of time watching films on a big screen in the dark on my own. Yes, I’m that person who goes to the cinema on their own. I love it - I don’t have to share my food or drink. Shout out to Cineworld for having Unlimited cards! Mine keeps me sane. 

I was engaged, now I’m not, and I have an incredible amount of strong opinions on cheating. I will make them known. And I’m not sorry. I currently have no interest in dating unless a guy comes along who could be “The One” not that he or it exists. I’m a firm believer that I need to learn to love me before I learn to love someone else again. I don’t like it when people tell me what to do with my life and I’m stubborn as fuck with an answer for everything. My mum is probably reading this thinking "I have been fucking telling you that for 25 years!"

I overindulge in anything to do with my dogs. I love them more than life. Yes, I am a crazy dog lady. Yes, they have their own Instagram. Yes, I am going to shamelessly plug it here.

I’m a not-so-secret fatty with a huge cheese (food) addiction that I need to sort out. Next year I am going on a multi-city American trip that I need to be at least 2 stone lighter for. What a mission. So I am sure I will post many a rant about how much I need to nibble on a block of cheese or eat my weight in salt and vinegar sticks throughout the first half of next year. 

I have champagne taste on a lemonade budget. In almost every aspect of my life. I like to have a nice phone, a nice car and expensive makeup. I'm not all that fussed about clothes - I am a huge Primark fan, don't judge. I hate shopping. I am also a terrible, terrible girl. Stereotypes and all that. 

I like to write. I can probably write about almost anything if I had to. I am currently in the early stages of trying to write a novel. I also suffer from Writer's Block...it's a real issue sometimes and probably the most frustrating part of my life at the moment. 

I have a real personality flaw of always wanting to do the next thing. I wanted to walk before I could crawl. Some people see this as drive, some people see this as never being content with what I have. I would say I am a happy medium. I am extremely driven and once I set my mind to something, it is happening. However, I am pretty much never happy with something and trying to improve on it in some way. Take from that what you will. 

I am not a touchy-feely person. Don't randomly hug me, it'll freak me out. I'm like those lizards in a pet store with the sign "don't bang on the glass, it startles the animals". That's me. I don't deal with emotions well, whether that be mine or someone else's. If you are crying and upset about something, 9 times out of 10 I am the wrong person to come to. However, I will furiously protect those close to me. I am not someone you want to piss off. 

I have this weird complex about wanting to please everyone. I am never happy until someone tells me they're proud of me, or I can see my successes. I always want to be better than I am. I'd say this is the biggest stress of my life and I put it on myself...I have some serious issues sometimes.

Generally, I am a flawed person. But who isn't? I used to be one of those people who won't admit there is something wrong or that they aren't perfect. Now, I am fully aware I am a failure in my life at certain things - I have been cheated on more times than I care to share, I am slightly too overweight even if my doctor doesn't think so, I am pretty shit at taking criticism. But, I wouldn't be me if I was perfect. And that's OK. I say this as I rock backwards and forwards feeling sorry for myself and wishing I looked like a Victoria's Secret Model. 

So, that's me - warts and all. I hate that saying. Gross. 

Over and out! Ergh, why am I not cool? 

All I can hear right now in my head is my dad telling me to stop saying "fuck". This one's for you dad! He's going to bollock me if he ever reads this. 

A Life Update: 6 Months On

It has been a while since I have done a life update. 

A year ago this week I completed on my new house. At the time, I was somewhat happily engaged and getting excited about making a house into a home. 

Fast forward one year, that house is on the market, you know the story about the relationship, I have two great dogs and I am looking towards to the next chapter.

Has that been smooth sailing? Far from it. 

That original transition from being in a relationship that I thought was it to being on my own in a massive house was difficult. I will be the first to say that I still find things difficult. I find it hard that I am so far away from the majority of my family who are all usually quite busy; I often feel isolated and lonely. I struggle on a daily basis with my mental health. Financially, things are hard. I am paying for the majority of my house on my own - my outgoings are not far off my whole salary. My ex pays for half the mortgage and council tax, but refuses to pay for anything else. Then he tells me he has no money and that this whole situation is my fault. I am not the one who cheated. 

But at the same time, I feel free. 

I can buy Christmas decorations that I want without someone controlling what the house looks like. I can wear Disney clothes if I want without someone telling me I can't leave the house with them on. I can sit and eat what I want without someone calling me fat. I can put a Mickey Mouse spoon holder in the kitchen because someone else hasn't put me down for wanting Disney in the house. I can let the dogs in the living room because someone isn't demanding that they are kept in the kitchen. I can come in from work and sit down for a little while because someone isn't sitting on their ass expecting dinner to be made as soon as I come in. I can relax on a Saturday because someone isn't refusing to do any housework. I can plan my weekends how I want because someone isn't demanding we do everything with their family and not mine. I can say no when my mental health isn't great because someone else isn't causing the problems. I have control over my own life because someone else hasn't. 

I look back over the last six months of being on my own and I see how far I have come. I have gotten over what happened and I have gotten over my ex. Yes, I still resent that he put me in this situation and blames me, telling me this is all my fault so I have no one else to blame. Yet, he had an easy life; never had to lift a finger, got his way on almost everything. His family were fantastic to me during the time we were together and we got on very well. They will, of course, support their family member, despite what he did and what he caused, and I am very aware and accepting of that. 

I have recently removed his family from my Facebook page, despite a few people telling me I should keep them. I decided that to move on, this was something I needed to do for me. I am not living my life for someone else anymore, I am living it for me. 

I have had people ask me if I am dating at the moment. The answer is no. I did try for a while but I have decided to take some time for myself and to learn to be on my own. I also would not want to bring someone else into this mess. It wouldn't be fair to them or to me. 

I have lived on my own in this house now longer than I lived with my ex. Living on your own is very liberating. I have never seen it as something daunting as a lot of people do. I have my own space, with my own belongings how I want them. You learn to enjoy your own company and the smaller things in life. I love sitting on my sofa, lighting my candles and having a snuggle with my boys. 

I am looking forward now to getting rid of the house. It will be a long journey, as it has been so far. The house has been on the market for six months and has recently been taken off, to be put back on in January. I am hoping to have it sold before summer next year so I can be in a new house for my holiday next year. I am really looking forward to not having to have any ties to him or his family so I can move on to this next chapter in my life. 

So for anyone in this, or a similar, situation. Keep treading water because one day you will float. 

I have a lot to look forward to over the next year, so hopefully my next life update will be a happier one! 

Friends In All The Right Places

Happy Sunday to you.

I spent the weekend in the Forest of Dean on my oldest friend's hen do. After the last month, I definitely needed this girly weekend. I had such a great time! We did Go Ape on Saturday, something I have wanted to do for a really long time and I am super proud that I did it without falling off!

It was also great to unplug from my phone and social media for a few hours whilst we were dangling on ropes 15 feet in the air. There are some fabulous pictures and I can't wait to share them with the rest of the group! Although, I am really looking forward to spending some time working on myself, pictures really make you see what you actually look like (post to follow!).

The one thing I realised this weekend was that no matter how long you go without seeing someone, no matter how close or not close you might have been before, when you need the support friends will always be there. 

This weekend I got to reconnect with old friends along with making a few new ones. 

It was great to be able to disconnect from real life and spend a weekend forgetting about what I have to deal with when I come home. But it was equally great to be able to openly talk about what had happened and to get the support from people who care about you. 

I got to laugh about all sorts of things, have a couple of drinks, play some games and genuinely have some proper fun.

It has really opened my eyes to the fact that friends come in a variety of forms, but ultimately when you need them to step up, they will go above and beyond to make you feel included, supported and loved. 

So, to all the girls who were the reason behind the most true smile I have had in such a long time - thank you. 

There is always someone out there to love you. It might just be that at this present moment, that is your friends.