2015 goals

2014 is finally coming to a close (thank God!). It's been a year of mass highs and extreme lows, and I can honestly say I have never been so glad to see the back of a year.

I use goals as my sort of "new year resolution" style-y things, just slightly more important, I guess. I completely suck at resolutions, so I thought that if I altered the name of them I might stick to them. Turns out it doesn't work all too well as I hardly achieved anything from last year....

So I have decided that 2015 will be the year I sort my shit out and stop making excuses. It's time for me to look myself directly in the eye and be brutally honest. So that is what I did. 

It sucked.

I regretted it.

But December 2015 me will probably thank me for it.

These are the things I plan on doing by December 31 2015. 

Long story short, 2015 will be the year I stop feeling sorry for myself and shove every edible thing in my gob and finally lose some weight.

Hopefully that'll have a knock-on effect on everything else because it makes me extremely uptight about life.

I also need to not break my laptop. My history with laptops is pretty poor, so maybe I might keep this one a little while?

Finally, I want to stick to some of these. That is my biggest goal.

I want to look back on New Year's Eve of 2015 and realise how much I have achieved. Maybe I should start one of those jars where I put every achievement in it and look at it next year?

None of that "new year, new me" crap, I'll still slip up every now and again, and I'll still make a tit of myself every day. But who cares?! Let's have a lot of fun in 2015!

 

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Note to self | #1

Recently I have been feeling quite down about the way I look. I don't know why, and I don't know why it even started. I think it has been one of those things that has been building up for the last few years. 

I have decided to talk about it on my blog to see if I am the only one, or whether some of you guys reading this might be feeling the same way. I've turned it into a little series where I can just vent about what I am feeling, not sugar coated, just cold, hard truth.

The other day I found a picture of me about 6 years ago. I was slim, toned, and about a size 8. I am now the opposite of those things. I have a bulky stomach, several chins, and my thighs are huge. I joke that I am growing into my winter coat, when really all I want to do is tear away at my skin chunk by chunk and throw it away.

As much as I know this is all down to myself, I also contribute this to several bad break-ups, a lot of drinking, and really bad and unhealthy lifestyle choices. I know that weight is just a number, and I feel like such a hypocrite for posting this because of how I try to make other people feel positive about these sorts of things. But there is only so long you can really bottle things up for.

It has gotten to the stage where I can't even look in the mirror at myself above my shoulders (thank god for my strategically placed mirror), and I end up swamping my body in several layers of clothing. 

I don't feel good about myself. I think I look disgusting, there is nothing nice about the way I look that is natural. 

I take massive pride in my make-up and perfecting my hair. But this has become almost a mask for me to hide behind.

I can honestly say I haven't been happy with the way I look for about 5 years now. 

I have tried about 4 times to kick-start a diet, a new workout routine, or even to starve myself completely (yes, I am well aware this was an absolutely stupid idea).

I feel like I am in a dark place, and I am getting better at hiding it. My smile and jokes have just been a cover-up when all I have wanted to do is cry for hours every single day; I just can't seem to help it.

Since I stopped suppressing the way I felt about my body and sat down and carefully thought about it (even if that did result in tears), I have somehow put myself in a more positive mindset.

I have made a few smaller changes in my life, which are gradually leading to bigger ones. I stopped drinking; I reduced the amount of fast food I was eating; I reduced almost all sugar from my drinks; and I removed some of the small things that were making my feel bad about myself. Even if that included people. 

Tiny steps lead to bigger strides.

I am hoping in the next few months that I can kick myself up the ass and get back to working out, whether this be on my own, or with one of my friends. 

It has taken me a few years to get in the mental state where I feel ready to conquer the way I feel about myself, and get back to the happier, self-confident person I was back then.

I know it will take time, and luckily time is something I hope I have a lot of.

I am still not entirely sure whether I will post this or not. I usually try to refrain from making my posts too personal, and writing my honest feelings down was really hard. No doubt I will get some negative comments, but hey ho.

I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Maybe I could have an online work-out buddy to help with everything. Who knows?


Keep swimming.

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