Note to self | #1

Recently I have been feeling quite down about the way I look. I don't know why, and I don't know why it even started. I think it has been one of those things that has been building up for the last few years. 

I have decided to talk about it on my blog to see if I am the only one, or whether some of you guys reading this might be feeling the same way. I've turned it into a little series where I can just vent about what I am feeling, not sugar coated, just cold, hard truth.

The other day I found a picture of me about 6 years ago. I was slim, toned, and about a size 8. I am now the opposite of those things. I have a bulky stomach, several chins, and my thighs are huge. I joke that I am growing into my winter coat, when really all I want to do is tear away at my skin chunk by chunk and throw it away.

As much as I know this is all down to myself, I also contribute this to several bad break-ups, a lot of drinking, and really bad and unhealthy lifestyle choices. I know that weight is just a number, and I feel like such a hypocrite for posting this because of how I try to make other people feel positive about these sorts of things. But there is only so long you can really bottle things up for.

It has gotten to the stage where I can't even look in the mirror at myself above my shoulders (thank god for my strategically placed mirror), and I end up swamping my body in several layers of clothing. 

I don't feel good about myself. I think I look disgusting, there is nothing nice about the way I look that is natural. 

I take massive pride in my make-up and perfecting my hair. But this has become almost a mask for me to hide behind.

I can honestly say I haven't been happy with the way I look for about 5 years now. 

I have tried about 4 times to kick-start a diet, a new workout routine, or even to starve myself completely (yes, I am well aware this was an absolutely stupid idea).

I feel like I am in a dark place, and I am getting better at hiding it. My smile and jokes have just been a cover-up when all I have wanted to do is cry for hours every single day; I just can't seem to help it.

Since I stopped suppressing the way I felt about my body and sat down and carefully thought about it (even if that did result in tears), I have somehow put myself in a more positive mindset.

I have made a few smaller changes in my life, which are gradually leading to bigger ones. I stopped drinking; I reduced the amount of fast food I was eating; I reduced almost all sugar from my drinks; and I removed some of the small things that were making my feel bad about myself. Even if that included people. 

Tiny steps lead to bigger strides.

I am hoping in the next few months that I can kick myself up the ass and get back to working out, whether this be on my own, or with one of my friends. 

It has taken me a few years to get in the mental state where I feel ready to conquer the way I feel about myself, and get back to the happier, self-confident person I was back then.

I know it will take time, and luckily time is something I hope I have a lot of.

I am still not entirely sure whether I will post this or not. I usually try to refrain from making my posts too personal, and writing my honest feelings down was really hard. No doubt I will get some negative comments, but hey ho.

I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Maybe I could have an online work-out buddy to help with everything. Who knows?


Keep swimming.

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The reason behind the death of Cory Monteith

I yet again have the unfortunate job of revealing to you more details surrounding the cause of death of the Glee star.

The will be a very quick and simply informative post.

After the autopsy was fast-tracked through the system, it has been reported that a cause of death has been established.

The coroner found that Cory died of a fatal combination of alcohol and heroin. Despite the actor coming out of rehab and staying sober, it was reported that he lead something of a double life. He reportedly was a hard-worker whilst in LA, but as soon as he returned to Vancouver he associated with friends who fueled his addictions.

After a report suggested that drugs were not a reason behind his death, the toxicology report clearly stated otherwise. It has now been reported that evidence of drugs usage was evident in the room.

The investigation is continuing into the tragic death of the 31 year old actor, with more details to follow.

His co-star girlfriend released a statement on Sunday asking for privacy and close sources said that she is devastated and inconsolable.

Glee officials are still unaware how they will deal with the death of the star in the TV series, but are organising meetings to discuss it. It is undoubted that Cory's death will have a huge impact on the show, leaving a massive gap where he used to stand. 

Even as a fan, I found his death very upsetting. There will no doubt be something missing when the awkward but unbelievable cute Finn Hudson doesn't appear in the new series of Glee, set to debut in the USA in September.

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RIP Cory Monteith

It is with a saddened heart that I learned today of the death of Glee star Cory Monteith. 

The 31 year old was found in his room at the Fairmont Pacific Rim Hotel in Vancouver, Canada.

Cory has only just come out of rehab, yet it is still unaware of whether this is a drugs-related death. An autopsy will be conducted tomorrow (Monday) to determine the cause of death (I shall keep you posted with updates), but it is said that no foul play is involved.

Monteith, who played the character of Finn Hudson in the hit TV show Glee, was dating co-star Lea Michele. 

Hundreds of tributed have been piling in on Twitter from fans, friends and celebrities. Monteith's co-star Mark Salling responded to the news this morning with a simple but heartbreaking "no".

The news spread over Twitter this morning and currently several hashtags are trending worldwide:
#AllFandomsHereToSupportGleeks
#RipCoryMonteith
#StayStrongLea
#Finn
#Gleeks
#DontStopBelieving 

I myself was awoken this morning by a text from a friend alerting me of the news. I most definitely did not believe it at first and it has taken until now, having read about 40 news articles for it to actually settle in.

A lot of you will be thinking "why are you so upset over this? You didn't even know him". Well to you people I say this:

When you are a dedicated member of a fandom (the Glee fandom naming their members Gleeks) you do tend to form an emotional attachment to characters and actors. Whether you view this as weird or not, a part of something you love is now missing. Glee will never be the same without Cory in it. Waking up this morning to find that a vital part of one of your most favourite things is missing is really hard. A lot of people are going through the same thing this morning, some such as family, friends and co-stars of Cory will obviously be considerably more upset. The Glee fandom will now, and forever will be, missing one of its most important links. Cory will not be forgotten. Many fandoms around the world have come together this morning in support of Gleeks and the family are friends of Cory. Many have started a trend on Twitter called #MentionYourIdolToTellThemYouLoveThem after many Gleeks have posted images such as these:

My thoughts go out to Lea Michele who has to deal with everything. After writing and rewriting something regarding her, I found a Twitter image which explains it all perfectly.

Glee is currently up for a Teen Choice Award, so please do go vote for them by clicking HERE in memory of Cory.


Now all that is left to say is that my thoughts really do go out to his family, friends and especially to Lea. They have to unshakable support of the fandom, and of everyone.

RIP Cory Monteith x

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22 fictional deaths I will never get over

Have you ever got so attached to a character that you see in a film or on TV, or even a book character that you get so upset when they die? Well I have experienced this SO MANY TIMES.

Many of these fictional deaths actually moved me to tears (don't judge me) because they are so sad!

If you have not experienced this yet then you haven't ever gotten in to something so much that you feel for the characters (technical terms....character empathy, look at that!). 

I have chosen 22 of the characters that have been killed or have died that I will never, ever, ever get over. They are in no particular order and I believe the saddest one is a lot further in than number one!

Please be warned: there may be spoilers in here for people who have not seen some of the things, so please don't get mad at me!


1. Mufasa - The Lion King

How sad is this? *sobs uncontrollably*. Mufasa is killed by his own brother who then send Simba down there. "Wake up, dad". Gah, so sad. If you are saying that you didn't tear up at this well then you are just lying. This is the saddest moment in any Disney movie ever.

2. Dumbledore - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I have to say, I was in two minds about adding Dumbledore. He is not my favourite Harry Potter character, but his death was sad, especially in the books. By far, it is not the saddest death of all the Harry Potter characters, but it is up there. I found this considerably more moving in the books (maybe because you didn't know the back story to him), therefore this is referring to the book death, not the movie death.

3. Dobby - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I bawled like a baby when Dobby died, in both the book and the film adaptation. This has to be one of the saddest deaths in the Harry Potter series. Poor little, Dobby :( He did not mean to kill, only to maim or seriously injure. Oh so sad *sniffle*. At least Dobby is now a free elf.

4. Hedwig - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Another Harry Potter death, I know. But how sad is it that Hedwig protects Harry?! Such a loyal little owl. I did cry when Hedwig died, shockingly I found this a lot more sad in the movie version. RIP Hedwig <3

5. Rue - The Hunger Games

The saddest death in the series I think. It is so sad how Katniss sings to her and decorates her body with the flowers. Oh, little Rue. I genuinely have a strong hatred for the characters who killed her (yes, I am serious. I have a hatred for fictional people). 

6. Coral - Finding Nemo

Coral dies to protect her little babies - how sad is that? This scene does make me tear up a little bit. Just how her eyes flick from the fish to the eggs and back again before she darts down to them. Gah. 

7. Marley - Marley and Me

The saddest fictional death of all time. I sob uncontrollably every time I watch this film. Poor little, Marley :( Never have I been as attached to a fictional character as I was with Marley. If you say that you don't cry at this scene then you are either a liar or you have no heart.

8. Ellie - Up

This has to be the saddest death in Disney history. There are absolutely no words in the scene showing Carl and Ellie's relationship yet it still moves so many people to tears. Still a better love story than Twilight.

9. Siruis Black - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another one of the saddest deaths in Harry Potter. Sirius was all Harry had left of his family and the stupid people kill him. Oh stupid veil, why would you do that?! Come back, Sirius :(

10. Severus Snape - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

We have reached the saddest death in Harry Potter history. Snape is my all time favourite character ever and I love him lots, still to this day. The thing that makes this scene even sadder is the montage of his memories Harry collects from his tears after. Right in the feels.

11. Noah and Allie - The Notebook

This really does hit right in the feels. So sad that he has been reading her the story of their love all throughout and she only realises it is him right at the end. Then they die together. OMG :(

12. Jenny - Forrest Gump

I hate the fact that it is an unknown virus that kills her. Poor Forrest. This scene is so sad because he just stands at her grave. Genuinely love Forrest Gump so much.

13. Agent Coulson - Avengers Assemble

Agent Coulson was my favourite character, how dare Loki kill him! Does he not have a heart?! His dying words....gah the feels. 

14. Bubba - Forrest Gump

After babbling on about how he wants to go into the shrimp business after the war, Bubba dies in the arms of Forrest. SO SO SO SAD. Then Forrest starts the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company in memory of him (you can visit this in Universal Studios Orlando).

15. Satine - Moulin Rouge

Yes, you see it coming, no it doesn't make it any less emotional. Despite the whole come what may thing, this still hits me every time! Ewan McGreggor's rendition of the song at this point is so sad, too!

16. Gaston - Beauty and the Beast

Yes, I will not get over the death of a Disney villain. How can you not love Gaston? He was so funny! And for him to get chucked over the edge of a castle.....really, Disney, really?

17. Kerchak - Tarzan

Just as him and Tarzan see eye to eye, he gets killed. Another WTF moment here, Disney. Why would you do that to him?! He wasn't a bad guy, he didn't deserve to die!!

18. Raj - 90210

The saddest moment in 90210 history. Raj has cancer and him and Ivy get married to mean that they get to spend their last days together. Then Raj takes a large concoction of pills in the hospital after saying he doesn't want to suffer and put Ivy through it. This really killed me when I watched it; I didn't want him to die!

19. Mike Delfino - Desperate Housewives

Mike was killed in a rive by shooting after finally opening up to Susan. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT?! Why would you do that, Desperate Housewives?! He was one of my favourite characters. WHYYYYYY?!

20. Karen McCluskey - Desperate Housewives

Karen McCluskey died after she had a battle with cancer. Although she was not my favourite character in Desperate Housewives, I will never ever ever ever ever get over her death. It was so beyond emotional :(

21. Maude Flanders - The Simpsons

Was this not the saddest and most unexpected Simpsons death of all time? I genuinely shouted "no!" and the TV when it happened! I genuinely never expected this! Then the series of episodes that follow it are equally as sad.

22. Piggy - The Lord of the Flies

I studied this book for my GCSE many moons ago, and developed a strong sense of protection over little Piggy! He was so bullied by everyone, and the fact that they kill him is so sad (and made me very angry at the other characters!).

Well, that is my 22 fictional deaths that I will never get over. I hope this post didn't arouse too many bad memories for you (it did for me)!

Post below in the comments if there are any fictional deaths you will never get over, I know there are loads out there!

If you liked this post, then do please click "join this site" on the top left and do all the following on the right - it would mean a lot to me!

That's all for today, folks, tune back in tomorrow to see what I have in store!

Toodle-oo, peeps!

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RIP to the 19 firefighters killed in Arizona

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the fire in Arizona, USA which has claimed the lives of 19 firefighters.

The fire started after a lightning storm on Friday (June 28) in Arizona, USA as has so far destroyed 8400 acres of land. Approximately 1000 people have had to vacate their homes, and 200 houses have been claimed by the fire.

I have left it a few days since the news broke to write this post as I am still finding it very difficult to write.

My heart really goes out to the families of the firefighters who have died in this fire. As a daughter of a UK firefighter, I know how scary it can be when they go off to a call, but I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain and emotion these families are going through at the moment. Some of these men are so unbelievably young; they didn't get the chance to even start their lives properly. 

I read an article today on the Daily Mail website about the last conversation between Juliann Ashcraft and her husband who was attending to the fire, Andrew Ashcraft. I hope that she would not mind me writing this post. Her husband had been continuously texting her throughout the day to inform her that he was OK, until he stopped texting. I won't lie, I was in tears after reading that article. He leaves behind 4 young children. I am refraining from putting pictures of her and her family up on my website as I believe this would be a breach of their privacy, and I would not want to affect them at this sad time. You can read more about her story by clicking here.

Each of the men who died in this fire, in my opinion, died heroes. Now you may dispute this, but I think anyone, no matter how little someone may think their existence may be, is a hero when they put their lives on the line daily in order to save the life of someone else. These men were trying to extinguish a fire, despite being caused naturally, was destroying the lives of thousands of people. It is completely unarguable in my head that these men did absolutely everything they could to keep the residents of the Arizonian town safe, I find it very sad that in this circumstance that it then involved them losing their own lives.

The emergency shelters that the men had put up in order to protect them from the fires unfortunately did not save them from the fire, nor could the helicopters. It has been reported that when the bodies of the men were found, some where inside their shelters whilst others were outside, suggesting that the fire has overcome them very quickly.

This has been the biggest incident claiming the lives of firefighters since 9/11, and is the deadliest blaze for firefighters in America for almost 80 years. The entire crew for this city was claimed by this fire, apart from one survivor who is in a critical condition.

To anyone who wishes to say that the firefighters must have been in the wrong (I have seen several comments surface on the internet saying this), I would like to say that firefighters are trained to the highest of standards, and they were undoubtedly following the safety protocol here, and that is was the unpredictability of the fire which in fact claimed their lives.

Fire Chief Dan Fraijo has been quoted saying "we grieve for the family. We grieve for the department. We grieve for the city. We're devastated. We just lost 19 of the finest people you'll ever meet".

Residents of the town have been since laying down tributes and flowers outside the gates of the fire station since the news broke on Monday. I sincerely hope, for the memory of these men, that they are rewarded for their bravery in some way. These men deserve the highest of commendation for their sacrifice. I don't care what anyone else says, they really do deserve that.

Over 1000 people gathered on Monday night in the gymnasium of the university in Prescott, Arizona in memory of the 19. President Obama has called the men heroes, and has since deployed other crews to help as the fire still continues to burn.

Here are the names of the 19 men who were killed:
Andrew Ashcraft - 29
Robert Caldwell - 23
Travis Carter - 31
Dustin Deford - 24
Christopher MacKenzie - 30
Eric Marsh - 43
Grant McKee - 21
Sean Misner - 26
Scott Norris - 28
Wade Parker - 22
John Percin - 24
Anthony Rose - 23
Jesse Steed - 36
John Thurston - 32
Travis Turbyfill - 27
William Warneke - 25
Clayton Whitted - 28
Kevin Woyjeck - 21
Grant Zuppiger - 27

Writing so many names is horrible. I will not be putting pictures up of these men.

Reading and having to write about something like this makes me really appreciate the fact that after over 20 years in the fire service, I still have my dad safe and sound. I couldn't even tell you how scary it is every time I know my dad is out on a call, and there is always that horrible little voice in the back of your head saying "what if he doesn't come back?". Just thinking about that really gets to me, so knowing that these people are currently having to go through that is so heartbreaking. 

My thoughts are with the families affected by this. So many of the firefighters were so young too, which is really sad, many of them not even in to their late 20s. 

I know that firefighters knows when entering the profession that it is dangerous, but nothing can prepare anyone for this sort of thing. Fires on this scale are unpredictable and completely uncontrollable. I hope that the families are getting all the support that they need, and that someone honors these men in the highest possible way.

There are currently investigations under way to figure out what could have caused these deaths, and there have been suggestions of wind gusts being investigated. 

Approximately 250 firefighters are still battling the fire, and around 18 other hotshot crews have been deployed.

I welcome all comments on this post, but if there is one negative comment on here about these men or the circumstances you will be reported and blocked for the foreseeable future from this site.

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