From To-Be-Wed To One In Bed

Just three months ago I was happily engaged, planning a wedding and loving life as a fiancee, homeowner and puppy mum. 

Now I am single, living alone, struggling with money but ultimately still a puppy mum. Silver linings and all that. 

Essentially, things went tits up. But I am past the stage of wanting to scream and cry in a corner. I have come to peace with what has happened; I no longer hate my ex, although I definitely don't want to remain friends just due to what actually did happen. I don't hide what happened, but I also don't actively avoid discussing it. If people want to know, I tell them. If people don't ask, I don't say. If he were to walk past me, I would say hello, even if he wouldn't. I am now at that stage where I am looking forward to this chapter closing. I am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me. 

The last few months have been eye opening and have given me a chance to reflect on my lifestyle, choices in life and look at who I want to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the security I had. My life plan was well on track and now I have given up on the idea of ever getting married and having kids. My two dogs, who I will introduce in a later post, have been life savers. I am a planner, and having someone else stir up my plans without any prior warning to me has been hard to deal with.

I will be frank. I sought help. For the first time in my life, I knew when I wasn't mentally well and I actively went looking for help. To me, that was a big thing. I knew that I wasn't doing too good; I was feeling extremely down, constantly on edge, stressed beyond words and I didn't eat a proper meal for a month. There was a point where I did think I couldn't do this anymore. So, I went to my doctor. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first I wasn't too sure, but accepting help when I needed it has worked wonders. 

When people said to me three months ago that time is a healer, I didn't believe them. I spent most my time alone in my house, curled up on the sofa crying. Now, although I still enjoy my alone time, I see friends, go out shopping, or visit family. I have a perfect balance between sitting on the sofa, puppy either side, watching Love Island and drinking a cup of tea and surrounding myself with family, having a drink and watching the World Cup. 

The down side? My fuel consumption has doubled (sorry, environment) just due to how much I am getting about now. 

I am having those realisations of all the things I can do, places I can go and things I can buy that were off the table. 

I can go to Japan! I can decorate my house how I want. I can buy that Christmas bedding. 

What is next for me?

I have a ton of plans. I have plans with girls from work to go away at Christmas, to get drunk in London and take horrendous pictures. I am going away in August to Disney World. I am hoping to go away a couple of times next year. I am starting a new health routine in September after my holiday for both my physical and mental health. I am functioning on my own. 

So, for anyone out there in a similar situation to me a few months ago. Keep ploughing through. I could throw a ton of cliches at you and you will roll your eyes, but they are true.

Time is a healer.

Things get better.

Keep going. 

More importantly, learn to accept and move on without a second glance back. 

Friends In All The Right Places

Happy Sunday to you.

I spent the weekend in the Forest of Dean on my oldest friend's hen do. After the last month, I definitely needed this girly weekend. I had such a great time! We did Go Ape on Saturday, something I have wanted to do for a really long time and I am super proud that I did it without falling off!

It was also great to unplug from my phone and social media for a few hours whilst we were dangling on ropes 15 feet in the air. There are some fabulous pictures and I can't wait to share them with the rest of the group! Although, I am really looking forward to spending some time working on myself, pictures really make you see what you actually look like (post to follow!).

The one thing I realised this weekend was that no matter how long you go without seeing someone, no matter how close or not close you might have been before, when you need the support friends will always be there. 

This weekend I got to reconnect with old friends along with making a few new ones. 

It was great to be able to disconnect from real life and spend a weekend forgetting about what I have to deal with when I come home. But it was equally great to be able to openly talk about what had happened and to get the support from people who care about you. 

I got to laugh about all sorts of things, have a couple of drinks, play some games and genuinely have some proper fun.

It has really opened my eyes to the fact that friends come in a variety of forms, but ultimately when you need them to step up, they will go above and beyond to make you feel included, supported and loved. 

So, to all the girls who were the reason behind the most true smile I have had in such a long time - thank you. 

There is always someone out there to love you. It might just be that at this present moment, that is your friends.