Resolutions

Normally I am not one to make resolutions, or bother with this "new year, new me" shit. I once made a resolution to stop swearing...within a few minutes several versions of the word "fuck" had escaped my mouth and from then on I never bothered.

This year, I am giving in. 

I am making a resolution. Or two. OK, three. 

I hope you are rolling your eyes at me as hard as I am right now.

My resolution, as I admitted, is three-pronged.

First, physicality. 

It is highly obvious that I am marginally overweight, despite my doctor telling me otherwise. I have an amazing holiday coming up that I would rather not look like a slightly melted marshmallow stuffed inside a pair of shorts for. So, I am pledging to you that I am going to lose weight. How much? I would like to lose around two and a half stone by December next year. I would like to have lost at least one and a half stone by the end of July, just before I go on holiday. This time I won't do it for six months, lose a stone, get bored then pile it all back on plus extra. I am going to enjoy my last few days of eating all the shit leftover from Christmas whilst I can!

How am I going to do it? Well, conveniently, in order to save for my holiday, pay my bills and survive, I will be living on £12 a week from 1st January. This means I can't necessarily buy all the shit I would usually snack on, or treat myself to the odd take out. I will be buying the same basic ingredients every single week until August - partly out of choice, mostly because I have to. I will also be using my dogs as an exercise tool, making the most out of the walks we go on. I am poor enough that I can't afford the gym, so I will be doing a home workout of some sorts every night after walking the dogs. This means a lot of planning, which I have started to do now so watch this space!

Second, mentality.

I have made no secret on here of my mental health struggles over the last few months. I have already started attempting to work on these, but it is going to be a long uphill battle to the finish line. So, I am pledging to you that I promise to do more of what makes me happy, and less of what doesn't. I am going to try and spend more time working on writing both my blog and my book which has been a great tool to channel my thoughts in to. 

I will try to stop taking on too much when I know I can't handle it; I will do the mental exercises that I have been set; I will try to stop getting stressed about the unknown; I will spend more time working on me. I have slowly learned to accept help when I know I need it, so I am going to continue working with that help to get myself back on the right track.

Third, eventuality.

I am a planner. A serious one at that. When I can't plan for something, or the plan doesn't come through it gives me anxiety. It makes me feel uneasy, on edge and unable to function properly. This is what I am dealing with at the moment. Essentially, this works happily, or not so, alongside mentality. My family have always joked that I am too much of a planner and I need to plan everything; I am a sucker for a list and I plan things down to the last second. In a situation like I am in now where it is impossible to plan for anything apart from tomorrow, I am pretty much useless. It would appear that this could be the main cause of my mental health issues at the moment, which hopefully will improve shortly. I need to get past this hurdle in my life. I am at a crossroads and I have no fucking clue where to go with it. I need to sell my house, but the market is slow. I need to save money, but I am paying stupid money a month on my house. I need to find a new house, but I can't do that until I sell this one. It is an endless cycle and even now typing this, I am feeling uneasy about everything. 

So, how does this fit in with resolutions? I need to plan slowly for any eventuality; keeping my options open but being prepared for anything that may come my way. I am being organised and trying to get my ducks in a row and I am sincerely hoping that I am going to be able to type this post bloody happier next year. 

2019 cannot come soon enough, I am so fucking done with this year! I am currently planning (shock) how to go about all of the above and look forward to sharing and whining with and at you next year. 

I still say resolutions are a pile of shit, but here we go! 

A Life Update: 6 Months On

It has been a while since I have done a life update. 

A year ago this week I completed on my new house. At the time, I was somewhat happily engaged and getting excited about making a house into a home. 

Fast forward one year, that house is on the market, you know the story about the relationship, I have two great dogs and I am looking towards to the next chapter.

Has that been smooth sailing? Far from it. 

That original transition from being in a relationship that I thought was it to being on my own in a massive house was difficult. I will be the first to say that I still find things difficult. I find it hard that I am so far away from the majority of my family who are all usually quite busy; I often feel isolated and lonely. I struggle on a daily basis with my mental health. Financially, things are hard. I am paying for the majority of my house on my own - my outgoings are not far off my whole salary. My ex pays for half the mortgage and council tax, but refuses to pay for anything else. Then he tells me he has no money and that this whole situation is my fault. I am not the one who cheated. 

But at the same time, I feel free. 

I can buy Christmas decorations that I want without someone controlling what the house looks like. I can wear Disney clothes if I want without someone telling me I can't leave the house with them on. I can sit and eat what I want without someone calling me fat. I can put a Mickey Mouse spoon holder in the kitchen because someone else hasn't put me down for wanting Disney in the house. I can let the dogs in the living room because someone isn't demanding that they are kept in the kitchen. I can come in from work and sit down for a little while because someone isn't sitting on their ass expecting dinner to be made as soon as I come in. I can relax on a Saturday because someone isn't refusing to do any housework. I can plan my weekends how I want because someone isn't demanding we do everything with their family and not mine. I can say no when my mental health isn't great because someone else isn't causing the problems. I have control over my own life because someone else hasn't. 

I look back over the last six months of being on my own and I see how far I have come. I have gotten over what happened and I have gotten over my ex. Yes, I still resent that he put me in this situation and blames me, telling me this is all my fault so I have no one else to blame. Yet, he had an easy life; never had to lift a finger, got his way on almost everything. His family were fantastic to me during the time we were together and we got on very well. They will, of course, support their family member, despite what he did and what he caused, and I am very aware and accepting of that. 

I have recently removed his family from my Facebook page, despite a few people telling me I should keep them. I decided that to move on, this was something I needed to do for me. I am not living my life for someone else anymore, I am living it for me. 

I have had people ask me if I am dating at the moment. The answer is no. I did try for a while but I have decided to take some time for myself and to learn to be on my own. I also would not want to bring someone else into this mess. It wouldn't be fair to them or to me. 

I have lived on my own in this house now longer than I lived with my ex. Living on your own is very liberating. I have never seen it as something daunting as a lot of people do. I have my own space, with my own belongings how I want them. You learn to enjoy your own company and the smaller things in life. I love sitting on my sofa, lighting my candles and having a snuggle with my boys. 

I am looking forward now to getting rid of the house. It will be a long journey, as it has been so far. The house has been on the market for six months and has recently been taken off, to be put back on in January. I am hoping to have it sold before summer next year so I can be in a new house for my holiday next year. I am really looking forward to not having to have any ties to him or his family so I can move on to this next chapter in my life. 

So for anyone in this, or a similar, situation. Keep treading water because one day you will float. 

I have a lot to look forward to over the next year, so hopefully my next life update will be a happier one! 

New Beginnings

Suddenly having a larger amount of free time has really allowed me to think about what I should be doing with that time. I have a lot of time I can now dedicate to myself. They say when one door closes, another opens. I am hoping that now the door has closed on someone else, that I can open the door to myself. 

Over the last couple of years I stopped watching TV. Not for any good reason, just because I’m not all that good at sitting down and relaxing - I would much rather be doing something productive with that time. So I have watched a couple of box sets; Jane The Virgin and Gossip Girl. Any recommendations on what to watch next whilst I wait for Game of Thrones would be great!

In the run up to my holiday, which I go on next week, I’ve been wondering what to do when I get back.

I’ve always loved writing. That is the whole reason you are reading this now. It’s always been my passion and what I’ve been good at. I’d constantly write short stories or essays for fun. Yes, I am THAT person. So, I took the plunge. I have started writing a book. I’ve written two chapters around 6000 words so far and I have loved getting my creative juices flowing. The book will take a back seat whilst I’m away but I’m looking forward to picking it back up when I get home.

Another thing I will be focusing on and that will be documented on here after my holiday is my health and fitness. If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that my mental health has taken a significant hit recently. I’m looking forward to taking time for myself and figuring that out. I’m also going to be working on my physical fitness. It’s time to get my diet and exercise back on track to lose some weight. 

I will also be focussing on decluttering my life. I have a lot of stuff, I mean boxes full of it that I haven't looked at in years. I have old things from my childhood that I definitely don't need. Sure, some of it is sentimental and I will keep those bits. But a lot of it can go. I would like my new house to be a modern reflection of me - no clutter, no bits on the sides, just plain and simple. 

I will also be looking towards Christmas. I love Christmas and I am really looking forwards to spoiling my dogs! Now that I don't have a big family to buy for and I am shorter on money than I would like to be, I am looking forward to doing simple things like crafts and baking. I am going to buy stockings for my dogs because I am also that person. My dogs are my babies and who doesn't spoil their kids a little bit at Christmas?

I always suffer from a case of wanderlust and, although I blame one of my friends for this (she will know it is her!), I have a love of new places. They don't have to be abroad, they can be here in the UK. I'd like to go to places I have always wanted to go - California, New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Shanghai. I'd also like to take my dogs on a little break somewhere (once they have calmed down a little!). 

My final thing I want to spend time on is my friends and family. When things went wrong, they were there to put it back together. I have friends that I hadn't seen in years that I would like to spend more time with and friends who I see almost every day that I'd still like to see. 

So, the future is bright. Things are going to be busy - exactly how I want them to be! 

From To-Be-Wed To One In Bed

Just three months ago I was happily engaged, planning a wedding and loving life as a fiancee, homeowner and puppy mum. 

Now I am single, living alone, struggling with money but ultimately still a puppy mum. Silver linings and all that. 

Essentially, things went tits up. But I am past the stage of wanting to scream and cry in a corner. I have come to peace with what has happened; I no longer hate my ex, although I definitely don't want to remain friends just due to what actually did happen. I don't hide what happened, but I also don't actively avoid discussing it. If people want to know, I tell them. If people don't ask, I don't say. If he were to walk past me, I would say hello, even if he wouldn't. I am now at that stage where I am looking forward to this chapter closing. I am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me. 

The last few months have been eye opening and have given me a chance to reflect on my lifestyle, choices in life and look at who I want to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the security I had. My life plan was well on track and now I have given up on the idea of ever getting married and having kids. My two dogs, who I will introduce in a later post, have been life savers. I am a planner, and having someone else stir up my plans without any prior warning to me has been hard to deal with.

I will be frank. I sought help. For the first time in my life, I knew when I wasn't mentally well and I actively went looking for help. To me, that was a big thing. I knew that I wasn't doing too good; I was feeling extremely down, constantly on edge, stressed beyond words and I didn't eat a proper meal for a month. There was a point where I did think I couldn't do this anymore. So, I went to my doctor. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first I wasn't too sure, but accepting help when I needed it has worked wonders. 

When people said to me three months ago that time is a healer, I didn't believe them. I spent most my time alone in my house, curled up on the sofa crying. Now, although I still enjoy my alone time, I see friends, go out shopping, or visit family. I have a perfect balance between sitting on the sofa, puppy either side, watching Love Island and drinking a cup of tea and surrounding myself with family, having a drink and watching the World Cup. 

The down side? My fuel consumption has doubled (sorry, environment) just due to how much I am getting about now. 

I am having those realisations of all the things I can do, places I can go and things I can buy that were off the table. 

I can go to Japan! I can decorate my house how I want. I can buy that Christmas bedding. 

What is next for me?

I have a ton of plans. I have plans with girls from work to go away at Christmas, to get drunk in London and take horrendous pictures. I am going away in August to Disney World. I am hoping to go away a couple of times next year. I am starting a new health routine in September after my holiday for both my physical and mental health. I am functioning on my own. 

So, for anyone out there in a similar situation to me a few months ago. Keep ploughing through. I could throw a ton of cliches at you and you will roll your eyes, but they are true.

Time is a healer.

Things get better.

Keep going. 

More importantly, learn to accept and move on without a second glance back.