Hello there, buddies.
Prepare your brains for one monster of a rant. This is going to be extremely blunt and very harsh to be honest, which isn't my usual style, but I need to let off some steam and you guys seem to enjoy my rants.
There have been several different things that I have realised as I have grown up. My younger readers will probably read the following and think that it is all a load of fucking bullshit, and that it will never happen to you. It is likely that at some point in your life something similar will happen to you. Whether you deal with it in the way I have (by sharing everything with the internet) or deal with it in a different way, but I am afraid growing up sucks. If none of this ever happens to you then you are one lucky fucker, I tell you that.
DISCLAIMER: these are just my opinions and in no way should they apply to everyone else. If you are offended by what I am writing then I am sorry, but please do not take this personally or to heart, I simply need a place to de-stress before I drive myself completely insane. I honestly ask that you really don't take this personally as these are all things that I have experienced either recently or in the past, and they may not apply to your life - remember, everyone is different and people deal with things in totally different manners. It is likely that there will be a reasonable amount of swearing in this post, so this is a warning if you are easily offended. Thank you for reading and understanding. Danielle x
I will start by telling you a little bit about trust. I don't know about you, but trust is generally a very important thing in any relationship whether that be a romantic one or a friendship. When someone breaks trust it is very hard to repair that brokenness. I am a strong believer in second chances, and it is rare that I won't give anyone a second chance in pretty much anything - if I have never given you a second chance than you have clearly done something pretty fucking bad that pissed me off incredibly. I have a very hard time trusting people as it is, so when I do trust someone it is a pretty fucking big deal for me. However, I either am really bad at judging people, or I am just seriously unlucky at life, but I tend to end up trusting the wrong people; this applies in both friendships and relationships for me. The more I have grown older (this makes me sound like an old woman...) the more I am trusting fewer people in my life. I am now really wary of who I fully let in to my life, yet I still seem to be doing a bad job sometimes. I have a very close-knit group of friends now, and I am pretty sure they are stuck with me for life. I would pretty much trust them with anything even though they probably don't appreciate that all the time because I ramble about everything! So I have to say, growing up and trusting the wrong people has probably worked out a bit better for me now as I am wary who I trust, but I am sure that will be a bad move in years to come.
Ok, something that is clearly not working for me, but will never change, is the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Always have, always will. Not to the point where I am all like PDA-ing and there is shit all over Facebook cause I realllllly hate that, it's fucking gross. But to the point where I will openly admit if I like someone, and if I am in a relationship with someone, I like to let them know how much they mean to me, etc. This is quite clearly just fucking up for me to be honest. But what really fucking ruffles my feathers is people who are all like lovey-dovey when it is just you two, then act the complete opposite when they are with people. I'm not on about like all the shitty "I love you" all the time, but the fact that they won't hold your hand, nout. Now that bugs me. I bet I sound like the ultra-bitch right now, eh? I am thinking that I probably should just not act interested, but that won't get me anywhere either!
I have to say I am a bit of a competitive person in general, I like to be the best at the things I do, or if I think I could have done better in something then it will forever piss me off until I can change it. A good example of this is probably my GCSE's. I got what everyone views as "really good grades" but I still think I could have got more than 3 A*s quite easily, but there is nothing I can do about it anymore. See what I mean? I know the likes of +James Martin are the same as we have recently had a conversation about this. But it really gets me nowhere in life. I have learned that I should stop this shit, but it still hasn't happened. Even at uni I am the same. Fuck my life.
I think most my friends would say that I am too caring about everything. I mean literally anything - but we are talking mainly people here I think. I don't care about what people think about me, but more what I think of other people if that makes any sense whatsoever? Which it probably doesn't......I really fucking hate it when people know that you are like this and they use it to their advantage. There have been some points in my life in general that I have felt really used by people. Which fucking sucks, I tell ya. I knew it was happening, yet I still carried on doing pretty much anything they all wanted. Which in hindsight was a bad idea as it got me nowhere. Then when people end up throwing it all back in your face at the end. Like it is as if you never even tried for God knows how long and it is all like "I am putting in all the effort" or "you never do anything for me" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I am sorry, but what did I spend the last however long doing? Fuuuuck ooooofffffff.
I also have unbelievably high expectations of my life. No matter how much I know that they are never in a million years going to happen, I still stick by them. They are so unrealistic that dinosaurs will be reincarnated before my plans happen. I won't bore you with all the details of them, but it involves my "love life" (like the sarcasm there?), career, money, the works. The main thing I know is completely unrealistic now is that I really want to go travelling after uni with Vikki and the boys (that sounds like a 70s band) where we take like 2 years or so out and go travelling round the world. But with my ridiculous amount of uni fucking loans, that won't happen until I am 90. Yay.
I am trying my hardest here to not go off on a rant about relationships. But I will do a mini one right now. I used to think that there was such thing as "true love". I was brought up in the Disney fantasy generation where all Disney films implied the fact that there was a Prince Charming who would come and sweep me off my feet. Well, 20 years later I am still fucking waiting. Where is this dude? I have now had the harsh realisation that I don't think anyone will ever be able to put up with me or like me enough to ever marry me *sniff sniff*. I mean, in an ideal world I wanted to be married by 27. That gives me 7 years to find a lush guy, get him to magically fall head over heels for me and marry me. Then do that hard bit and get him to stay with me and be faithful. So where is my Fairy Godmother? I am having a fucking crisis here, woman.
That leads me on to the position I am in life at the moment. Generally I am happy with where I am in life. I have an awesome group of friends and I am studying a really interesting course at a brilliant university where I (shockingly) have a really good social life. But then it gets to the fact I am fucking skint. Now don't go all fucking snobby on me and say that it is my choice etc because I will probably be pissed at you for eternity for being such an idiot. People don't realise that to get the best jobs these days you need a degree. So think before you speak. Money rant over - look at my student rant for that by clicking here.
I am also really shit at taking advice and asking for help. I seem to give really good advice, but I can never take it. If I could then I bet you I would be in a much better situation in my life, but oh well. One day I will learn to take advice about my life, but until that point I should probably learn to deal with the shit I get myself in to.
It has also come to my attention that there is a select group of people in my life who have completely changed over the last four or so years, and not in a good way. After I changed schools when I was 16, I lost a lot of the people who were my close friends at the time. Only a few people actually kept in contact, and I still talk to them now. But since going to uni, I have found that a lot of people's opinions about things and me seem to have changed. I don't think I have changed as a person, but my outlook on life definitely has. For example, I appreciate money a lot more having lived on my own for a year, so I don't like to spend it on unnecessary things. 98% of my friends from where I lived before university didn't go to uni, so they have money to spend (jealous) and so they can do more things. Which sucks for me because I can't really do anything. Don't tell me to get a job, because I have a few after having done 60 applications (where I only got 4 replies). The thing is, people don't want to employ a student who is only here for like 4 months out of 12 as they want someone who is there all year. Which is fucking shit because I really needed money for Freshers Week, but oh well.
Lastly (thank God) I just find that I am going round in circles with everything at the moment. I seem to be having the same conversations day in and day out with my parents who tell me to do something other than sit on my laptop. Or the fact that I still end up getting hurt by people in the long run. Or that I come in to some money and then it goes right back to my mum after I had to borrow money from her. So I am not liking life here at the moment, I am looking forward to going back to university and seeing my buddies!
Well that is all on this completely unnecessary rant about life. I hope I didn't offend any of you - I just really needed to rant.
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One more thing before I disappear off my blog for tonight is that I have a person for you guys to meet! His name is Jordan Grayson and he has a YouTube channel! Yay! I'd really appreciate it if you guys could check his channel out and subscribe to him! His videos are awesome, and he is a cutie! If you tune back in tomorrow I will do a post about him so you can find out more! So click here to hop on over there.