Thursday, December 27, 2018


Normally I am not one to make resolutions, or bother with this "new year, new me" shit. I once made a resolution to stop swearing...within a few minutes several versions of the word "fuck" had escaped my mouth and from then on I never bothered.

This year, I am giving in. 

I am making a resolution. Or two. OK, three. 

I hope you are rolling your eyes at me as hard as I am right now.

My resolution, as I admitted, is three-pronged.

First, physicality

It is highly obvious that I am marginally overweight, despite my doctor telling me otherwise. I have an amazing holiday coming up that I would rather not look like a slightly melted marshmallow stuffed inside a pair of shorts for. So, I am pledging to you that I am going to lose weight. How much? I would like to lose around two and a half stone by December next year. I would like to have lost at least one and a half stone by the end of July, just before I go on holiday. This time I won't do it for six months, lose a stone, get bored then pile it all back on plus extra. I am going to enjoy my last few days of eating all the shit leftover from Christmas whilst I can!

How am I going to do it? Well, conveniently, in order to save for my holiday, pay my bills and survive, I will be living on £12 a week from 1st January. This means I can't necessarily buy all the shit I would usually snack on, or treat myself to the odd take out. I will be buying the same basic ingredients every single week until August - partly out of choice, mostly because I have to. I will also be using my dogs as an exercise tool, making the most out of the walks we go on. I am poor enough that I can't afford the gym, so I will be doing a home workout of some sorts every night after walking the dogs. This means a lot of planning, which I have started to do now so watch this space!

Second, mentality.

I have made no secret on here of my mental health struggles over the last few months. I have already started attempting to work on these, but it is going to be a long uphill battle to the finish line. So, I am pledging to you that I promise to do more of what makes me happy, and less of what doesn't. I am going to try and spend more time working on writing both my blog and my book which has been a great tool to channel my thoughts in to. 

I will try to stop taking on too much when I know I can't handle it; I will do the mental exercises that I have been set; I will try to stop getting stressed about the unknown; I will spend more time working on me. I have slowly learned to accept help when I know I need it, so I am going to continue working with that help to get myself back on the right track.

Third, eventuality.

I am a planner. A serious one at that. When I can't plan for something, or the plan doesn't come through it gives me anxiety. It makes me feel uneasy, on edge and unable to function properly. This is what I am dealing with at the moment. Essentially, this works happily, or not so, alongside mentality. My family have always joked that I am too much of a planner and I need to plan everything; I am a sucker for a list and I plan things down to the last second. In a situation like I am in now where it is impossible to plan for anything apart from tomorrow, I am pretty much useless. It would appear that this could be the main cause of my mental health issues at the moment, which hopefully will improve shortly. I need to get past this hurdle in my life. I am at a crossroads and I have no fucking clue where to go with it. I need to sell my house, but the market is slow. I need to save money, but I am paying stupid money a month on my house. I need to find a new house, but I can't do that until I sell this one. It is an endless cycle and even now typing this, I am feeling uneasy about everything. 

So, how does this fit in with resolutions? I need to plan slowly for any eventuality; keeping my options open but being prepared for anything that may come my way. I am being organised and trying to get my ducks in a row and I am sincerely hoping that I am going to be able to type this post bloody happier next year. 

2019 cannot come soon enough, I am so fucking done with this year! I am currently planning (shock) how to go about all of the above and look forward to sharing and whining with and at you next year. 

I still say resolutions are a pile of shit, but here we go! 

Thursday, December 06, 2018


Do you ever sit and wonder what you are doing with your life? Well that is me. Every. Single. Day. Ever since starting this blog over five years ago I wonder what the fuck I am doing. Not in a "I can't do this anymore" way (not all the time...) but more in an existential crisis after existential crisis way.

Well, I’m having one of those right now. Again. It’s been a while, my last one being at the end of my degree through sheer panic of not having a job, let alone not having a job using my degree. I am sure if you have been reading this for a while, you might remember that existential crisis. We will try to not talk about that, can we just pretend like it never happened?

I have a job now that I’ve been in for over 3 years. But now I’ve come to a crossroads in life that I’ve never been in before. I’ve got little to no ties to where I am and what I’m doing and I’m desperate to do something new. 

Would I drop everything and ship myself and my dogs out to Orlando? Without a doubt. Shock. 

Do I feel like I’ve wasted my £50,000 piece of paper (whose location is currently unknown) that says I have a 2:1 in Criminology and Criminal Justice Studies? Massively. 

Am I questioning all my life choices and wondering what the meaning of life is? Every day. 

Do I hate everything that I currently stand for and the mess I’m left to clear up? We’ve already covered that. 

So, what to do next? I imagine a good start would be to start providing answers and not asking a fuck ton of questions. Time to make some changes. Time to spontaneously burst into song that will change everything and my Prince Charming will come riding into the scene on horseback with the wind perfectly blowing his hair. I watch a lot of Disney movies. 

For the record, I don't need "saving" but who wouldn't want some weirdly hot prince to bolt out of nowhere, sing some random shit and be like "hey, marry me?". I'm looking at you, Prince Eric. There's an insight into my weird mind you didn't ask for. 

What’s the aim of this? I’m as unsure as you are. I’ve been doing this on and off for five years and for some reason over 60,000 of you have carried on reading. We’ve had some ups and we’ve had some massive downs. Now I want to break out into Jungle Cruise skipper puns and I imagine only a handful of you would get that reference. I want to say I’m normal but that would be lying. And I must not tell lies. Sorry. 

I’ve been through my fair share of shit. Someone somewhere has been sprinkling bad luck over people infrequently and then came to me and thought “fuck it” and dumped the whole bloody bucket on my head. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of people have it worse and I know that but let me wallow in my self pity for a while. It makes me feel better. 

I’ve recently concluded that I’m like a slightly more modern day, slightly fatter Bridget Jones. Just without a Mark Darcy. Or anyone else pining for me. Unless you count my dogs when I go to work. But that’d be weird so don’t do that. 

This blog was always intended to be a real reflection of me. A true insight into the fuck ups and happier parts of my life. So that’s what it’s going to be. Yes, my content will be less family friendly, but then what person under the age of 14 is interested in reading the ramblings of a 25 year old nobody? 

People tell me I should take up YouTube. Well, let me tell you, I have a face for radio. Besides, I have the personality of a spoon and no one would want to watch me so you’re going to have to stick to that old fashioned habit of reading. 

So, let me reintroduce myself. 

Hello! I’m Danielle.

I am a 25 year old wannabe writer with little to no time to write, preferring (not really) to spend my time putting all my energy into my office job like almost everyone else in the world. I like Disney, Harry Potter and spending a shit ton of time watching films on a big screen in the dark on my own. Yes, I’m that person who goes to the cinema on their own. I love it - I don’t have to share my food or drink. Shout out to Cineworld for having Unlimited cards! Mine keeps me sane. 

I was engaged, now I’m not, and I have an incredible amount of strong opinions on cheating. I will make them known. And I’m not sorry. I currently have no interest in dating unless a guy comes along who could be “The One” not that he or it exists. I’m a firm believer that I need to learn to love me before I learn to love someone else again. I don’t like it when people tell me what to do with my life and I’m stubborn as fuck with an answer for everything. My mum is probably reading this thinking "I have been fucking telling you that for 25 years!"

I overindulge in anything to do with my dogs. I love them more than life. Yes, I am a crazy dog lady. Yes, they have their own Instagram. Yes, I am going to shamelessly plug it here.

I’m a not-so-secret fatty with a huge cheese (food) addiction that I need to sort out. Next year I am going on a multi-city American trip that I need to be at least 2 stone lighter for. What a mission. So I am sure I will post many a rant about how much I need to nibble on a block of cheese or eat my weight in salt and vinegar sticks throughout the first half of next year. 

I have champagne taste on a lemonade budget. In almost every aspect of my life. I like to have a nice phone, a nice car and expensive makeup. I'm not all that fussed about clothes - I am a huge Primark fan, don't judge. I hate shopping. I am also a terrible, terrible girl. Stereotypes and all that. 

I like to write. I can probably write about almost anything if I had to. I am currently in the early stages of trying to write a novel. I also suffer from Writer's's a real issue sometimes and probably the most frustrating part of my life at the moment. 

I have a real personality flaw of always wanting to do the next thing. I wanted to walk before I could crawl. Some people see this as drive, some people see this as never being content with what I have. I would say I am a happy medium. I am extremely driven and once I set my mind to something, it is happening. However, I am pretty much never happy with something and trying to improve on it in some way. Take from that what you will. 

I am not a touchy-feely person. Don't randomly hug me, it'll freak me out. I'm like those lizards in a pet store with the sign "don't bang on the glass, it startles the animals". That's me. I don't deal with emotions well, whether that be mine or someone else's. If you are crying and upset about something, 9 times out of 10 I am the wrong person to come to. However, I will furiously protect those close to me. I am not someone you want to piss off. 

I have this weird complex about wanting to please everyone. I am never happy until someone tells me they're proud of me, or I can see my successes. I always want to be better than I am. I'd say this is the biggest stress of my life and I put it on myself...I have some serious issues sometimes.

Generally, I am a flawed person. But who isn't? I used to be one of those people who won't admit there is something wrong or that they aren't perfect. Now, I am fully aware I am a failure in my life at certain things - I have been cheated on more times than I care to share, I am slightly too overweight even if my doctor doesn't think so, I am pretty shit at taking criticism. But, I wouldn't be me if I was perfect. And that's OK. I say this as I rock backwards and forwards feeling sorry for myself and wishing I looked like a Victoria's Secret Model. 

So, that's me - warts and all. I hate that saying. Gross. 

Over and out! Ergh, why am I not cool? 

All I can hear right now in my head is my dad telling me to stop saying "fuck". This one's for you dad! He's going to bollock me if he ever reads this.