Saturday, June 15, 2013

Disney movie lies

Hello there, buddies!

Ok now I am going to be talking about the fact that Disney movies lie. This is coming from a big Disney fan, so this is the real deal!

There are certain aspects of Disney movies which just really don't show real life! They're like those expectations vs reality things. They make people - including  myself - have ridiculously high expectations of life, or teach them some things that really make me cringe a little!

Ok well first of all films like High School Musical make it seem like it's not a cool thing to sing.....what the hell?! I wish I could sing, so how people can think it is uncool I literally do not understand. Stupid 'jocks' and their basketball addictions. But literally everyone in the team can sing.....I literally do not understand. I bet at night they all stood in front of their mirrors with a hairbrush microphone and sang their little hearts out. Don't pretend like you have never done this....

Films such as Sword in the Stone give the idea that weak people always win. I am not being funny, but does this always happen in real life? No. I wish it did, but it really doesn't to be honest. If it was true I would have won way more things than I have. And I'm not talking about arm wrestles here, I am on about real shit. It just doesn't happen. Sorry.

A lot of Disney movies lie really badly about love. The main one I think is Cinderella. I mean, it goes on about how she falls in love with the prince, love at first sight, bla bla bla. But he doesn't even recognise her when it comes to the glass slipper fittings. I mean what sort of prince does that?! Although I do think love at first sight is absolute bullshit, but Disney reaaaaally lays it on thick here. To be brutally honest, the whole portrayal of love in Cinderella is so twisted and weird if you think about it. I'l let your minds wander on that one....

The Little Mermaid says that you need to change to make a man fall in love with you! Girls, you should NEVER change just for a guy. Like never. It also says that it is perfectly acceptable for you to run away from home and make a deal to essentially sell yourself to a weird stranger in exchange for something you want. I am sorry, but no. Just no. 

The Hunchback of Notre Dame says that nice guys always finish last. Not being funny, but I would pick a nice guy over an asshole any day.....Although a load of films and TV shows give this idea (and a load of teenage girls would rather pick the hot dickhead, rather than the average looking nice guy) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?!

Many of the Disney princess films suggest that you can talk to animals, and I think Snow White is the worst for it - AND SHE USES THEM AS SLAVES! What is that?! Have you ever tried talking to an animal? I tried asking my dog to clean my car earlier....nothing. 

On a serious note, Robin Hood teaches people that it is OK to steal if you are going to give it to someone poor. What? When is it ever OK to steal? Pretty sure that is theft! That is illegal! Please kids, don't steal.

Pocahontas teaches kids that it is OK to marry a man who is considerably older than you. She is meant to be around 12 years old, whereas John Smith is mean to be about 30.....WHAT THE HELL?! That is just incredibly wrong. And illegal.

The Princess Diaries says that you have to be pretty to be popular. I am sorry but I really have a problem with this. You should not judge a book by its cover! As soon as Mia is 'normal' looking and they know she is a princess every bloody person wants to be her friend. Pretty sure she is exactly the same person as she was before? 

Beauty and the Beast basically has two lies in it. It basically says that bestiality is fine.....NO. It also says that you should make yourself fall in love with a guy who bosses you around and locks you up. Since when is that ever ok? Like never.....such lies, Disney.

Mary Poppins says that you can jump into chalk drawings on pavements and end up in this awesome cartoon land with penguins wearing jackets who serve you drinks. The only time that I have ever successfully managed to do this involved a considerable amount of alcohol in my system. Have you ever tried to do this? You just jump.....and you are just on top of a now smudged drawing. Ultimate let down. I wanted penguins to serve me drinks. Sad face.

Sleeping Beauty says that it is alright for a man to come in to your room when you are asleep and kiss you. And she wakes up smiling. If someone did this to me they would end up with a very nice black eye. Is this not creepy?! Do you not think so?!

The Fox and the Hound suggests that being different to someone else is bad and that it shouldn't be allowed. I find this really frustrating 'cause everyone is different - no two people are the same! Even twins are different. Why should someone be punished for being different?!

Alice in Wonderland is saying that it is alright for someone to eat something that is clearly not right and end up as high as a kite. If you really want to read in to this really deeply, it's a drugs promo! She is completely off her head for the entirety of the film! Tut tut, Disney. Shame on you!

Bedknobs and Broomsticks says you can sing underwater. Ok, lets be logical here. Humans cannot breathe logic, Disney. 

Aladdin says that it is OK to defy your parents and run away. When is that ever OK?! 

Ok, I am gonna do some generalising of Disney films now, so prepare your brains. Maybe go get a cup of tea or something 'cause this has been a long article. Maybe a biscuit too. Can you make me one? 

Disney princesses have given me seriously unrealistic expectations of my hair. Every Disney princess has this immaculate hair with never one little strand out of place. They also all seem to have amazingly thick hair. Look at Jasmine.....that is hair extensions, it has to be. And Rapunzel, where are all your split ends?! My hair would never look that good even if I photoshopped it on. Seriously, get real, Disney. No hair ever looks that perfect.

Another thing with the princesses is that they basically sing their way through life. Would it not look unbelievably weird if you saw someone walking down the street just singing away to themselves...or maybe some animals. I would think that person should be in some kind of institute! It would also be incredibly annoying.....Gah, makes me annoyed just thinking about it!

Have you ever noticed that 99% of all Disney films end in this perfect happy ending? Say what?! How can this be real? Nothing ever ends that perfect. If it does, someone send some of that shit my way!

What about the Disney villains? Lets take a look at them. They are either all old (Evil Stepmothers from Snow White and Cinderella, Mother Gothel, Jafar, Yzma) or incredibly unattractive (Cruella De Vil, Maleficent, Captain Hook, Frollo). Is this not a teeny tiny bit stereotypical? If I took these movies by literal sense I should be 100% shit scared of my grandparents......I'm not. Stereotypes irritate me. 

Aaaaand lastly all Disney films suggest that the ultimate goal in life is to marry some hot guy. Look at Cinderella and Snow White, most of their songs are like "some day my prince will come". Your ultimate goal should be to move out and get a really good job! Leading on from this, they all present this Prince Charming figure who they all fall hopelessly in love with straight away. Well, I shit you not, this has still not happened to me, so I am calling bullshit on this one! 

Well guys, if you have stuck around for this long to get this far down, I love you. If you have fallen asleep at your keyboards because I bored you to sleep then WAKE UP, IT IS MORNING. Just kidding, it's 11pm, go back to sleep.

Thank you for reading, don't forget to subscribe and follow me on my Twitter @LovelyChubly, and I will speak to you all tomorrow!


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