Thursday, December 19, 2013

End of year ponderings

I realised today that I have pretty much hardly blogged throughout December....sorry about that! Things have been hectic and very busy! I had a statistics essay due in which I ended up pretty much bullshitting my way through, and then I came back to my hometown and I have had work, and I could pile a massive load of excuses on to you...But I am here now, so hello!

Just a little side note for any of my regular readers who will probably know the ins and outs of the last few months: I do apologise for my lack of posts. Not felt myself in a while, and I found it very difficult to open up to anyone let alone the entire internet, but now all is back on track and I feel like I can get back to my old style again! 

Although I am jumping the gun a bit with this post considering it is only December 19 (probably 20th by the time I edit and publish this) but Christmas is always mental in my family, and I am heading on back home for New Year so I don't think you'll appreciate a hungover ramble about my night. So I thought that I would take now to look back on my year and just have a general chit-chat like I used to before shit got all serious. Sooooo, queue long and boring diary post!

I think the first thing I think that I have noticed a lot more in the last few months is that I am no longer a miserable bitch! Stop raising your eyebrows at me, I am the first to admit that for the last year I have been a right pain in the ass. However, now that there have been certain big changes in my life with things coming to and end, and new things beginning, I think I am a lot happier in general. I am not aiming that at anyone in particular as I know a few people will probably read this and question me, but hey ho. It has been noted that I am a completely different person to what I was at the end of 2012, and there are a few people that I can probably pin-point this to, but I shan't name them because that would take too long and most of you have no idea who they are. Maybe they can have a little dedication at the bottom. Who knows? So yeah, I am a happy person now. I think everything that happened a few months ago, although upsetting and annoying at the time, has contributed massively to my state of mind now. But that is a story for another day. 

I am going to take this little section to just say that in the last couple of months I have also found out who my really close friends are. I have always been one for having a larger set of friends and not really let anyone in too much to get too close. But recently I have discovered that I could probably count my close friends on one hand - a bit of a shocker for me to be honest. I think this is probably because I have really dodgy trust issues sometimes, and I just hate letting people get so close that would give them the option to hurt me (of which I have recently learned the hard way again) but I have started to let that go with the help of a few lovely people. Again, naming and shaming is not going to happen - sorry, guys! Basically I found that a few people who I had previously been friends with were all back-stabby and typical girl related shit. This is why most my friends are male; just a gazillon times easier. So yeah. Much love to the select few who put up with all my shit and still love me all the same (especially as I live with a couple of them). 

Trying to go through in my head what I wanted to say - finding it very difficult to put in to words without mentioning names and direct situations. 

I think the most important development in the last year, particularly the last couple of months, is that my relationship with my mother has come on leaps and bounds. In the past we have never seen eye to eye, and I have probably been the world's shittiest daughter with all the shit that I have put both of my parents through in the last 7ish years. To which I now hold my hands up and admit I have been crap. But since all this shit happened in the last few months, I have grown very close to her which is nice, and we get on pretty well now. I don't know where I would be without her now; I could probably say that I would not be sat here writing to you if she hadn't been there. So if she ever reads this: I love you lots. 

I think sort of post-September I have become quite close to a few people that have normally just been bog-standard friends. I don't even know if that makes any sense? But I am so freaking happy with how this year has ended in relation to that, and the people who are currently in my life are bloody amazing. I think they all deserve some extra brownie points for dealing with me! 

Apologies for the weird soppiness there. Also, let me know in the comments below if you want me to publish the little thing I wrote when I was going through a lot of shit. It's just a thing explaining my mindset, and I would probably work in some advice around it. So comment below if you want to see that.

I have also finally (sort of) managed to solve my career crisis, yay! If you read my blog a lot you will know that I went through what my housemate would call a "quarter life crisis". You can read about it here, it will probably be a good laugh for you. I have come to the decision that I might do an extra year at university and do a PGCE (Post Graduate Certificate in Education) and look in to teaching. Completely unrelated to my initial degree, I know, but I work in a school in my hometown and everyone always goes on about how I should be a teacher. I love working there so I thought that yeah I'd quite like to give that a shot. Thus my career crisis came to and end!

Oh, I also managed to get an amazing opportunity working at HMP Dartmoor with Story Book Dads which are an amazing charity who work with prisoners to help them maintain contact with their children through books. It is absolutely brilliant, and I will be doing a post on them in the new year so keep your eye out!

What else has happened this year? Oh, I finished my first year at university last May after several horrible exams and whatnot. I didn't fail so that's good! I also discovered that I can drink a hell of a lot of vodka...don't ask. Ermmmm, oh and my Grampy laughed so much that coffee came out his nose! I am also considering finally putting some videos up on my YouTube...thoughts?

I have also learned a very valuable lesson from the end couple of months of this year. Life is short. Seriously fucking short. Cherish everyone you have in it because one day you might wake up and they won't be there anymore. This applies seriously to your family, especially your parents. They are the only people in the world who will love you and be there for you no matter what shit happens. Everyone else has the option to walk away, but love from a parent is unconditional. If you take anything away from this at all then make sure it's that. 

To quickly add to that little advice nugget, something that has hit home this year is that we only regret things we don't do. I have taken on so many different things this year, and accepted opportunities that I would normally just let pass by me. Take my blog for example: 6 months ago it didn't exist. Now I am my own website with a lot of credit for my work behind me! So do something exciting, something you would normally be scared of. Fear is only as big as we allow it to be!

All in all, 2013 has been a year of some serious highs, but also some serious lows. Yet I wouldn't change anything for the world because I have come out fighting and stronger at the end of it and I can sit laughing at the people who fucked me around, or fucked things up. I can 100% walk away from this year thinking I have done the thing that is best for me, even if I almost didn't manage to come out of the entire situation. 2013 went way too fast, and it seemingly showing no signs of slowing down - I don't like it!

Here is a little summary of my last year in one picture:

Some images courtesy of Jay Stone 

I have some awesome plans for 2014, kicking off with a trip over to Amsterdam (obviously for culture and not to spend the entire weekend drunk......) and then some pretty cool things for my blog too! I am hoping that next year will be better than this one. 

Think I will leave it there for now. Apologies for the scattered nature of this post, I think it kind of reflects my mind a little at the moment. 

As always, thank you for reading and I hope to see you all again soon!

Have a lovely Christmas everyone, and an even better New Year!

Love you all, bye!

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