New Beginnings

Suddenly having a larger amount of free time has really allowed me to think about what I should be doing with that time. I have a lot of time I can now dedicate to myself. They say when one door closes, another opens. I am hoping that now the door has closed on someone else, that I can open the door to myself. 

Over the last couple of years I stopped watching TV. Not for any good reason, just because I’m not all that good at sitting down and relaxing - I would much rather be doing something productive with that time. So I have watched a couple of box sets; Jane The Virgin and Gossip Girl. Any recommendations on what to watch next whilst I wait for Game of Thrones would be great!

In the run up to my holiday, which I go on next week, I’ve been wondering what to do when I get back.

I’ve always loved writing. That is the whole reason you are reading this now. It’s always been my passion and what I’ve been good at. I’d constantly write short stories or essays for fun. Yes, I am THAT person. So, I took the plunge. I have started writing a book. I’ve written two chapters around 6000 words so far and I have loved getting my creative juices flowing. The book will take a back seat whilst I’m away but I’m looking forward to picking it back up when I get home.

Another thing I will be focusing on and that will be documented on here after my holiday is my health and fitness. If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you’ll know that my mental health has taken a significant hit recently. I’m looking forward to taking time for myself and figuring that out. I’m also going to be working on my physical fitness. It’s time to get my diet and exercise back on track to lose some weight. 

I will also be focussing on decluttering my life. I have a lot of stuff, I mean boxes full of it that I haven't looked at in years. I have old things from my childhood that I definitely don't need. Sure, some of it is sentimental and I will keep those bits. But a lot of it can go. I would like my new house to be a modern reflection of me - no clutter, no bits on the sides, just plain and simple. 

I will also be looking towards Christmas. I love Christmas and I am really looking forwards to spoiling my dogs! Now that I don't have a big family to buy for and I am shorter on money than I would like to be, I am looking forward to doing simple things like crafts and baking. I am going to buy stockings for my dogs because I am also that person. My dogs are my babies and who doesn't spoil their kids a little bit at Christmas?

I always suffer from a case of wanderlust and, although I blame one of my friends for this (she will know it is her!), I have a love of new places. They don't have to be abroad, they can be here in the UK. I'd like to go to places I have always wanted to go - California, New York, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Shanghai. I'd also like to take my dogs on a little break somewhere (once they have calmed down a little!). 

My final thing I want to spend time on is my friends and family. When things went wrong, they were there to put it back together. I have friends that I hadn't seen in years that I would like to spend more time with and friends who I see almost every day that I'd still like to see. 

So, the future is bright. Things are going to be busy - exactly how I want them to be! 

From To-Be-Wed To One In Bed

Just three months ago I was happily engaged, planning a wedding and loving life as a fiancee, homeowner and puppy mum. 

Now I am single, living alone, struggling with money but ultimately still a puppy mum. Silver linings and all that. 

Essentially, things went tits up. But I am past the stage of wanting to scream and cry in a corner. I have come to peace with what has happened; I no longer hate my ex, although I definitely don't want to remain friends just due to what actually did happen. I don't hide what happened, but I also don't actively avoid discussing it. If people want to know, I tell them. If people don't ask, I don't say. If he were to walk past me, I would say hello, even if he wouldn't. I am now at that stage where I am looking forward to this chapter closing. I am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me. 

The last few months have been eye opening and have given me a chance to reflect on my lifestyle, choices in life and look at who I want to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the security I had. My life plan was well on track and now I have given up on the idea of ever getting married and having kids. My two dogs, who I will introduce in a later post, have been life savers. I am a planner, and having someone else stir up my plans without any prior warning to me has been hard to deal with.

I will be frank. I sought help. For the first time in my life, I knew when I wasn't mentally well and I actively went looking for help. To me, that was a big thing. I knew that I wasn't doing too good; I was feeling extremely down, constantly on edge, stressed beyond words and I didn't eat a proper meal for a month. There was a point where I did think I couldn't do this anymore. So, I went to my doctor. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first I wasn't too sure, but accepting help when I needed it has worked wonders. 

When people said to me three months ago that time is a healer, I didn't believe them. I spent most my time alone in my house, curled up on the sofa crying. Now, although I still enjoy my alone time, I see friends, go out shopping, or visit family. I have a perfect balance between sitting on the sofa, puppy either side, watching Love Island and drinking a cup of tea and surrounding myself with family, having a drink and watching the World Cup. 

The down side? My fuel consumption has doubled (sorry, environment) just due to how much I am getting about now. 

I am having those realisations of all the things I can do, places I can go and things I can buy that were off the table. 

I can go to Japan! I can decorate my house how I want. I can buy that Christmas bedding. 

What is next for me?

I have a ton of plans. I have plans with girls from work to go away at Christmas, to get drunk in London and take horrendous pictures. I am going away in August to Disney World. I am hoping to go away a couple of times next year. I am starting a new health routine in September after my holiday for both my physical and mental health. I am functioning on my own. 

So, for anyone out there in a similar situation to me a few months ago. Keep ploughing through. I could throw a ton of cliches at you and you will roll your eyes, but they are true.

Time is a healer.

Things get better.

Keep going. 

More importantly, learn to accept and move on without a second glance back.