Monday, July 30, 2018

From To-Be-Wed To One In Bed

Just three months ago I was happily engaged, planning a wedding and loving life as a fiancee, homeowner and puppy mum. 

Now I am single, living alone, struggling with money but ultimately still a puppy mum. Silver linings and all that. 

Essentially, things went tits up. But I am past the stage of wanting to scream and cry in a corner. I have come to peace with what has happened; I no longer hate my ex, although I definitely don't want to remain friends just due to what actually did happen. I don't hide what happened, but I also don't actively avoid discussing it. If people want to know, I tell them. If people don't ask, I don't say. If he were to walk past me, I would say hello, even if he wouldn't. I am now at that stage where I am looking forward to this chapter closing. I am looking forward to the future and what it has in store for me. 

The last few months have been eye opening and have given me a chance to reflect on my lifestyle, choices in life and look at who I want to be in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I miss the security I had. My life plan was well on track and now I have given up on the idea of ever getting married and having kids. My two dogs, who I will introduce in a later post, have been life savers. I am a planner, and having someone else stir up my plans without any prior warning to me has been hard to deal with.

I will be frank. I sought help. For the first time in my life, I knew when I wasn't mentally well and I actively went looking for help. To me, that was a big thing. I knew that I wasn't doing too good; I was feeling extremely down, constantly on edge, stressed beyond words and I didn't eat a proper meal for a month. There was a point where I did think I couldn't do this anymore. So, I went to my doctor. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At first I wasn't too sure, but accepting help when I needed it has worked wonders. 

When people said to me three months ago that time is a healer, I didn't believe them. I spent most my time alone in my house, curled up on the sofa crying. Now, although I still enjoy my alone time, I see friends, go out shopping, or visit family. I have a perfect balance between sitting on the sofa, puppy either side, watching Love Island and drinking a cup of tea and surrounding myself with family, having a drink and watching the World Cup. 

The down side? My fuel consumption has doubled (sorry, environment) just due to how much I am getting about now. 

I am having those realisations of all the things I can do, places I can go and things I can buy that were off the table. 

I can go to Japan! I can decorate my house how I want. I can buy that Christmas bedding. 

What is next for me?

I have a ton of plans. I have plans with girls from work to go away at Christmas, to get drunk in London and take horrendous pictures. I am going away in August to Disney World. I am hoping to go away a couple of times next year. I am starting a new health routine in September after my holiday for both my physical and mental health. I am functioning on my own. 

So, for anyone out there in a similar situation to me a few months ago. Keep ploughing through. I could throw a ton of cliches at you and you will roll your eyes, but they are true.

Time is a healer.

Things get better.

Keep going. 

More importantly, learn to accept and move on without a second glance back. 

No comments :

Post a Comment