Friday, December 12, 2014

Note to self | #1





Recently I have been feeling quite down about the way I look. I don't know why, and I don't know why it even started. I think it has been one of those things that has been building up for the last few years. 

I have decided to talk about it on my blog to see if I am the only one, or whether some of you guys reading this might be feeling the same way. I've turned it into a little series where I can just vent about what I am feeling, not sugar coated, just cold, hard truth.

The other day I found a picture of me about 6 years ago. I was slim, toned, and about a size 8. I am now the opposite of those things. I have a bulky stomach, several chins, and my thighs are huge. I joke that I am growing into my winter coat, when really all I want to do is tear away at my skin chunk by chunk and throw it away.

As much as I know this is all down to myself, I also contribute this to several bad break-ups, a lot of drinking, and really bad and unhealthy lifestyle choices. I know that weight is just a number, and I feel like such a hypocrite for posting this because of how I try to make other people feel positive about these sorts of things. But there is only so long you can really bottle things up for.

It has gotten to the stage where I can't even look in the mirror at myself above my shoulders (thank god for my strategically placed mirror), and I end up swamping my body in several layers of clothing. 

I don't feel good about myself. I think I look disgusting, there is nothing nice about the way I look that is natural. 

I take massive pride in my make-up and perfecting my hair. But this has become almost a mask for me to hide behind.

I can honestly say I haven't been happy with the way I look for about 5 years now. 

I have tried about 4 times to kick-start a diet, a new workout routine, or even to starve myself completely (yes, I am well aware this was an absolutely stupid idea).

I feel like I am in a dark place, and I am getting better at hiding it. My smile and jokes have just been a cover-up when all I have wanted to do is cry for hours every single day; I just can't seem to help it.

Since I stopped suppressing the way I felt about my body and sat down and carefully thought about it (even if that did result in tears), I have somehow put myself in a more positive mindset.

I have made a few smaller changes in my life, which are gradually leading to bigger ones. I stopped drinking; I reduced the amount of fast food I was eating; I reduced almost all sugar from my drinks; and I removed some of the small things that were making my feel bad about myself. Even if that included people. 

Tiny steps lead to bigger strides.

I am hoping in the next few months that I can kick myself up the ass and get back to working out, whether this be on my own, or with one of my friends. 

It has taken me a few years to get in the mental state where I feel ready to conquer the way I feel about myself, and get back to the happier, self-confident person I was back then.

I know it will take time, and luckily time is something I hope I have a lot of.

I am still not entirely sure whether I will post this or not. I usually try to refrain from making my posts too personal, and writing my honest feelings down was really hard. No doubt I will get some negative comments, but hey ho.

I hope that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Maybe I could have an online work-out buddy to help with everything. Who knows?


Keep swimming.





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